I like the list i found for ways to improve how you feel at home
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/10-things-that-will-make-you-happier-at-home-174151
and it referenced this book
http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Project-Aristotle-Generally/dp/006158326X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1356844298&sr=8-2&keywords=happier+at+home
that i happened to purchase that i should really be applying to my life right now but it'll have to wait because i'm not at "home". however, the ten items are applicable and i'm going to try to apply them. I want to add the document that i typed the ten items into but i can't tell which button does that...i tried to upload an image but even though i saved it to pdf it won't recognize that as an image file. so you'll just have to read it yourself because i'm too lazy to retype it however...
it'll help me remember to repeat it again. let's see how many i can paraphrase and type myself without looking at the list.
in no particular order:
1. make your bed
2. leave rooms in a ready state (meaning clean up after yourself so you're no overwhelmed by clutter, which i am)
3. do something nice without expecting anything in return for someone who you live with.
4. take a few minutes to get spiritually connected to something greater than you once a day.
5. call a different friend or family member each day
i'm really trying to remember them. i just got really distracted and my mind's eye could not focus on the piece of paper i wrote them down on. oh!
6. spend money on items that add to the experience of your home.
7. have sentimental items on display.
if someone asked me face to face to think of these they'd give up waiting before i could think of more than 2 or 3 at most. for the sake of sleep i'll cheat and check the list.
i missed
8. duh! the one that i started maybe half an hour ago!: start a one-line-a-day gratitude journal.
9. the dish washing example: if you can't get out of it, get into it.
10. before you get up each morning, set an intent for the day.
So these are simple and easy to remember HOWEVER there's this other list on destressing and i think there are 50 FIFTY five-oh items on that list and that's kind of stressful...counterproductive.
http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/self-improvement/50-things-to-stop-doing-forever
okay so it isn't to destress it's just things that i should stop doing forever and some of the stuff on that list is SPOT ON. spot. on.
HOWEVER HOWEVER i feel like this is a really complicated logic problem. i wish i learned that language...
Not everyone's list is appropriate for everyone else so i'm going to be adding some random thoughts on here. This might result in some shoddy blog posts but you should be used to that by now, since it's been forever since i last blogged. I'm so envious of these ppl who seemingly have forever to write their posts and practice what they post, etc.
This is the short list of things that i can think of right now:
1. be less apologetic
2. fold up some of my guilt-ridden shirts, put them in those space saver bags, and lock them in a suitcase that i'll keep in my trunk. or i could just say that i'll stop living according to what my guilty-feeling self tells me i should take into consideration.
3. get another tattoo. or two.
4. be more spontaneous.
5. stop taking myself so seriously. or try to. i'm really not awesome enough to warrant such a serious demeanor.
That's a good starting list. It's really the sort of thing you need to come up with on your own.
I'm getting too old for this nonsense of trying to live my life according to what seems like the right thing to do and all of that nonsense. The people who tell you what you should be doing will not always be there and what will you do when they are gone? You have to exercise in your decision making shoes to stretch them out now so they fit nicely later. Like you've owned them all along, because you have.
At the end of the day, and at the end of your time here, it's all you. You're all you've got. So, you might wanna practice a little now. Just sayin.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
[Mal]Adaptive Behavior II
So, what i was getting at last night but i didn't get to because i got too tired is that i've been dormant. I go into this default mode so that I get through my daily tasks but none of it is done with the pizzazz or the enthusiasm that I usually approach things with. The passion is dormant. My thrill and zest for life is like the embers on the log in the fireplace that aren't strong enough to cause the cooler log you just added to catch fire. So the embers turn from bright orange to faint orange to a sad, empty, cold gray that gives off a small, weak plume of smoke before completely disappearing and blending into the rest of the landscape of un-tinged wood.
As if to entice some flame, my mother says something like, that I'm faking my interest in football and that I don't really like it. Thanks ma. Super helpful. This was a most recent development. Picture this if you will.
Family friends who have moved to Ohio who are mostly all really into football, follow all the college teams religiously as well, are over after dinner watching the rest of the notre dame v usc game on tv in the kitchen. eyes peeled. absent-mindedly forking their unwanted ice cream cake during commercials and talking about commercial explanations, old tv shows and what they're doing with the seaside roller coaster. kim (the mom) is seated with her back to the tv--a clear declaration of how she feels about having to watch the rest of her family watch the possibly 6th or 7th game of the holiday week. across from her, with her back to me, is my mom. for most of dessert i didn't feel like sitting because i was stuffed, and it was more comfortable to stand, so i was watching over her shoulder. at some point, after cup of tea number 2 was poured for steph and kim, allison came back from the bathroom and sat at the table, between kim and mom, so i took her seat (stool number 2) at the counter, facing the tv, still out of sight of my mom. i watched notre dame maintain their lead. i made a comment in the conversation regarding the coaches trophy even though it wasn't something i was into. All the while this is going on, i'm convinced that this game is interesting. they have a defensive player from hawaii i think, whose girl friend had died from leukemia. two people my sister knows are going there for school. for all i care, i've invested my positive win the game energies into nd. i'm conscious of the numb, dormant feeling the whole time but i notice that i'm able to zone in to the game and the rest of the people in the kitchen disappear, as is what usually happens when i'm watching tv and i'm totally tuned in.
mom apparently didn't know i was watching the game and thought i was feigning interest and accused me of it while we were cleaning up after they went home. first of all, i was trying to feel the spark again, because i've lost the spark of interest in lots of things (sometimes eating, sometimes sleeping, sometimes maintaining the daily tasks) and i find it really upsetting. second of all, even if i was feigning my interest in football, wouldn't that be better than having to listen to the comments from my sister and father, who wouldn't bat an eyelash if the nfl ceased to exist? third of all, the last thing you want to do when someone seems off-kilter, after something upsetting happens, is to assume the reason(s) why they seem off-kilter.
pain in the ass.
i woke up this morning with tears streaming down my face because i had a dream that frank felt the need to put pete to sleep with a lawnmower and a gun. it was really gory. and as i lay out clothes on the drying rack in her bedroom she wants to know what's wrong. i convinced myself to perk up when i got really great stuff from michaels to make some homemade xmas gifts. then i found some really nice stuff on clearance and added to two gifts at kohls. i bought a coral pink dress with flamingos on it for crying out loud. and the corners of my mouth would not budge. melancholy weighed down my cheek muscles. i'm not being melodramatic, i'm just describing the innards.
i'm just saying.
i know she doesn't mean anything by it, or maybe she does and maybe i'm giving her too much credit and maybe she wants to gauge how depressed i am. but. she could just ask if she really wants to know.
my face is tired again and i'm going to start not making sense like the scribbles on your notebook during a class that's super snooze-worthy.
so i'll leave this here for you to mull over.
i am really excited for the homemade christmas gifts and how they'll come out. you just couldn't tell by the look on my face. my face says 'Charisma and Enthusiasm are out to lunch. Check back later.'
As if to entice some flame, my mother says something like, that I'm faking my interest in football and that I don't really like it. Thanks ma. Super helpful. This was a most recent development. Picture this if you will.
Family friends who have moved to Ohio who are mostly all really into football, follow all the college teams religiously as well, are over after dinner watching the rest of the notre dame v usc game on tv in the kitchen. eyes peeled. absent-mindedly forking their unwanted ice cream cake during commercials and talking about commercial explanations, old tv shows and what they're doing with the seaside roller coaster. kim (the mom) is seated with her back to the tv--a clear declaration of how she feels about having to watch the rest of her family watch the possibly 6th or 7th game of the holiday week. across from her, with her back to me, is my mom. for most of dessert i didn't feel like sitting because i was stuffed, and it was more comfortable to stand, so i was watching over her shoulder. at some point, after cup of tea number 2 was poured for steph and kim, allison came back from the bathroom and sat at the table, between kim and mom, so i took her seat (stool number 2) at the counter, facing the tv, still out of sight of my mom. i watched notre dame maintain their lead. i made a comment in the conversation regarding the coaches trophy even though it wasn't something i was into. All the while this is going on, i'm convinced that this game is interesting. they have a defensive player from hawaii i think, whose girl friend had died from leukemia. two people my sister knows are going there for school. for all i care, i've invested my positive win the game energies into nd. i'm conscious of the numb, dormant feeling the whole time but i notice that i'm able to zone in to the game and the rest of the people in the kitchen disappear, as is what usually happens when i'm watching tv and i'm totally tuned in.
mom apparently didn't know i was watching the game and thought i was feigning interest and accused me of it while we were cleaning up after they went home. first of all, i was trying to feel the spark again, because i've lost the spark of interest in lots of things (sometimes eating, sometimes sleeping, sometimes maintaining the daily tasks) and i find it really upsetting. second of all, even if i was feigning my interest in football, wouldn't that be better than having to listen to the comments from my sister and father, who wouldn't bat an eyelash if the nfl ceased to exist? third of all, the last thing you want to do when someone seems off-kilter, after something upsetting happens, is to assume the reason(s) why they seem off-kilter.
pain in the ass.
i woke up this morning with tears streaming down my face because i had a dream that frank felt the need to put pete to sleep with a lawnmower and a gun. it was really gory. and as i lay out clothes on the drying rack in her bedroom she wants to know what's wrong. i convinced myself to perk up when i got really great stuff from michaels to make some homemade xmas gifts. then i found some really nice stuff on clearance and added to two gifts at kohls. i bought a coral pink dress with flamingos on it for crying out loud. and the corners of my mouth would not budge. melancholy weighed down my cheek muscles. i'm not being melodramatic, i'm just describing the innards.
i'm just saying.
i know she doesn't mean anything by it, or maybe she does and maybe i'm giving her too much credit and maybe she wants to gauge how depressed i am. but. she could just ask if she really wants to know.
my face is tired again and i'm going to start not making sense like the scribbles on your notebook during a class that's super snooze-worthy.
so i'll leave this here for you to mull over.
i am really excited for the homemade christmas gifts and how they'll come out. you just couldn't tell by the look on my face. my face says 'Charisma and Enthusiasm are out to lunch. Check back later.'
Saturday, November 24, 2012
[Mal]Adaptive Behavior
What's the difference between a computer that is hibernating and one that is sleeping? I'm trying to decide which mode my innards are switching to.
I've spent a lot of money the past 36 hrs, on myself and others, in true Black Friday fashion. On and off I thought about what was going to happen with Christmas this year, and then I thought about the decorations in the attic in Jackson. and I feel guilty that they probably won't be used because the manger was inherited from my grandmother and grandfather, and somehow I feel responsible to them to carry on the tradition. And then I think about Frank being alone for the holiday because he'll be on call or there will be a natural disaster that causes him to work twenty four hours a day, and he'll go home to Pete late, unable to even meet me out somewhere to talk..
It feels like misery and then it switches to frustration, and wanting to shake him. There are lots of nights when he falls asleep without texting me goodnight, but there are also nights that he does remember, and my brain of course chooses to forget the times that he is of sound mind enough to say goodnight, and tell me to text him tomorrow. I only remember the negative. It isn't helpful, because then that inaccurate thought gets carried away, like the bows on the kite tail. I've never actually seen those bows on a real kite, but whenever I've seen one illustrated, they're on there. Bonus if you can share what the bows are for.
I'm falling asleep. I'll have to continue this discussion of sleep vs. hibernate again sometime soon.
breathe deeply think of tired thoughts.
I've spent a lot of money the past 36 hrs, on myself and others, in true Black Friday fashion. On and off I thought about what was going to happen with Christmas this year, and then I thought about the decorations in the attic in Jackson. and I feel guilty that they probably won't be used because the manger was inherited from my grandmother and grandfather, and somehow I feel responsible to them to carry on the tradition. And then I think about Frank being alone for the holiday because he'll be on call or there will be a natural disaster that causes him to work twenty four hours a day, and he'll go home to Pete late, unable to even meet me out somewhere to talk..
It feels like misery and then it switches to frustration, and wanting to shake him. There are lots of nights when he falls asleep without texting me goodnight, but there are also nights that he does remember, and my brain of course chooses to forget the times that he is of sound mind enough to say goodnight, and tell me to text him tomorrow. I only remember the negative. It isn't helpful, because then that inaccurate thought gets carried away, like the bows on the kite tail. I've never actually seen those bows on a real kite, but whenever I've seen one illustrated, they're on there. Bonus if you can share what the bows are for.
I'm falling asleep. I'll have to continue this discussion of sleep vs. hibernate again sometime soon.
breathe deeply think of tired thoughts.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
[In]Decisions
My feet are itchy.
Do I feel like running because I've been practicing, or just because I want to run? Is it the power of suggestion?
I'm applying for my independence but won't that kind of independence render a once independent girl like me, more dependent? I can't do this on my own, can I?
Should I do it anyway? Whether I think I can or not? I've made big decisions before but none as big as this. It might leave me completely isolated. Can I stand being completely isolated?? I don't know. I'm not sure if I feel comfortable enough to run because I know I'd be coming home to people who would notice if I didn't come home, or if it's something that is now just worked into my comfort. Usually I use my decision making as a way of creating direction. I suppose most people do that. Fork in the road = Choice --> decision = direction.
What would I be communicating to others with this leap of independence? Would I implode waiting for the independence to occur? because naturally it's the sort of thing that takes 10 months at minimum. naturally. So it'll take approximately a year of dependence in varying degrees in order to obtain independence. Can I learn in that time what it takes to ::lightbulb::. Perhaps I can make it like school, and learn a different aspect of caring for this super-oriented independence during the course of this approximate year. Each month focus on a new focal point. Revisit my "you can do it" ms fix it book that I bought when I moved in to a house that had someone already accounting for the physical changes that needed to take place in the space. I knew all about the emotional changes that needed to take place. I had been training for that nonsense my whole life. Ever since the first princess story I comprehended. Boy was I misled. How do others cope with the come-down that occurs once they realize it was all a front?
Back to the lightbulb idea...what might the list look like? (switches to task list in google calendar and adds the "you can do it" ms fix it book to the list to pick up this coming weekend).
More to come.
Do I feel like running because I've been practicing, or just because I want to run? Is it the power of suggestion?
I'm applying for my independence but won't that kind of independence render a once independent girl like me, more dependent? I can't do this on my own, can I?
Should I do it anyway? Whether I think I can or not? I've made big decisions before but none as big as this. It might leave me completely isolated. Can I stand being completely isolated?? I don't know. I'm not sure if I feel comfortable enough to run because I know I'd be coming home to people who would notice if I didn't come home, or if it's something that is now just worked into my comfort. Usually I use my decision making as a way of creating direction. I suppose most people do that. Fork in the road = Choice --> decision = direction.
What would I be communicating to others with this leap of independence? Would I implode waiting for the independence to occur? because naturally it's the sort of thing that takes 10 months at minimum. naturally. So it'll take approximately a year of dependence in varying degrees in order to obtain independence. Can I learn in that time what it takes to ::lightbulb::. Perhaps I can make it like school, and learn a different aspect of caring for this super-oriented independence during the course of this approximate year. Each month focus on a new focal point. Revisit my "you can do it" ms fix it book that I bought when I moved in to a house that had someone already accounting for the physical changes that needed to take place in the space. I knew all about the emotional changes that needed to take place. I had been training for that nonsense my whole life. Ever since the first princess story I comprehended. Boy was I misled. How do others cope with the come-down that occurs once they realize it was all a front?
Back to the lightbulb idea...what might the list look like? (switches to task list in google calendar and adds the "you can do it" ms fix it book to the list to pick up this coming weekend).
More to come.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Desperately seeking directional whisps.
I think I might need to chronicle the discomforts of my prior living arrangement. Just to put things in perspective. I think it would be easier than the list of comforts as I am still lamenting their absence.
I can't make any promises though, because the thought that is sinking to the bottom of my stomach is mighty unpleasant. It's surrounding the idea that he doesn't mind that i'm not around. which, i mean, that's part of the reason why i'm not there but it bothers me that he doesn't call or text. which is inaccurate, because he will text and ask "You ok". It's awkward. No punctuation. I know what he's asking though. "Did you cry today? Because it makes me sad to think you cried so I hope you say you're ok.". But that's not what he says. He's a man of few words when it comes to feelings. Are all guys like that? According to Gerard Butler's character in the Ugly Truth, none of them are actually like that unless they've been emasculated by their wives or girlfriends. It's very heteronormative but that's a conversation for another day.
See Brave for the whisp reference.
- the people in the area
- the size of the house
- the woods surrounding it
- the construction
- the projects and bits and pieces of projects outside
- the size of the land needing attention
- lack of couple activity and overall togetherness
- lack of shared goals/dreams/values
- distance from family
- paying for things i didn't think we needed
- the feeling that i needed to defend his intentions/actions and lack of action
- putting off dreams of getting married
- doing most things alone
- feeling like a burden when i asked for something. or even just if i looked at him.
- competing with the projects and hobbies for attention i didn't feel like i got anyway.
I can't make any promises though, because the thought that is sinking to the bottom of my stomach is mighty unpleasant. It's surrounding the idea that he doesn't mind that i'm not around. which, i mean, that's part of the reason why i'm not there but it bothers me that he doesn't call or text. which is inaccurate, because he will text and ask "You ok". It's awkward. No punctuation. I know what he's asking though. "Did you cry today? Because it makes me sad to think you cried so I hope you say you're ok.". But that's not what he says. He's a man of few words when it comes to feelings. Are all guys like that? According to Gerard Butler's character in the Ugly Truth, none of them are actually like that unless they've been emasculated by their wives or girlfriends. It's very heteronormative but that's a conversation for another day.
See Brave for the whisp reference.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
There is no right way to heal
The opposite of there being no wrong way to eat a Reese's. Oh my. My mother just yelled from the basement about the football game being on.
So, the meaning behind my title today has to do with this guilty feeling that I have. I don't know what Frank is going to say about what he thinks we should do with the pieces of this relationship that have been fractured and left to fall to the floor, but I tried to tell from his tone of voice what direction it was going to go in and it didn't sound all that good. Which is devastating. However, I'm already looking at real estate. Elsewhere. And I don't mean proverbial "real estate" as in other guys, I mean housing. And my brain is switching to the things that I've been enduring about him for years instead of endearing. An individual should not have to endure the personality qualms of their loved one. My brain is like the pensieve, with swirling memories of what others have told me and certain memories I have with him, good and bad. And I do feel as though I'm preparing for a war. These are the cliff notes from tonight's talk:
-CVS accidentally filled a script for cholesterol medication instead of allergy medication so he was fuming about that, and it seemed he used it at one point to skirt around having to talk about what he has been thinking recently about our relationship
-he's not mad at me he's just mad about the pharmacy and their negligence.
-it's only been 3 days or so since we've been on the break and so he hasn't had that much time to think about what to do about our relationship
-he wants to go out drinking with will and dean friday night so he'll be leaving to go hunting in the morning on saturday, so it's fine if i just visit with pete during the day because he'll be home late saturday night because it's supposed to rain sunday.
-he's just really mad and he wants to calm down.
-he told pete to eat his food.
Soooo...what did we learn from this.
He's avoiding the issue. If he hadn't identified 5 times that he was "fuming" and "really pissed off" I would've called him out on it. But, i'll back off, and try not to think about it until tomorrow when I can hound him some more. I'm not hounding him though. I'm the type to want to know exactly what is going to happen in surgery so. That is kind of what I'm waiting for. The prognosis.
In other news, I can't think of anything else to write about right now, so I apologize but this is the majority of what you're going to get from me right now. Until something else happens. Like a new Tumblr account. With words of wisdom from yours truly and her "majestic" sister. Stay tuned.
So, the meaning behind my title today has to do with this guilty feeling that I have. I don't know what Frank is going to say about what he thinks we should do with the pieces of this relationship that have been fractured and left to fall to the floor, but I tried to tell from his tone of voice what direction it was going to go in and it didn't sound all that good. Which is devastating. However, I'm already looking at real estate. Elsewhere. And I don't mean proverbial "real estate" as in other guys, I mean housing. And my brain is switching to the things that I've been enduring about him for years instead of endearing. An individual should not have to endure the personality qualms of their loved one. My brain is like the pensieve, with swirling memories of what others have told me and certain memories I have with him, good and bad. And I do feel as though I'm preparing for a war. These are the cliff notes from tonight's talk:
-CVS accidentally filled a script for cholesterol medication instead of allergy medication so he was fuming about that, and it seemed he used it at one point to skirt around having to talk about what he has been thinking recently about our relationship
-he's not mad at me he's just mad about the pharmacy and their negligence.
-it's only been 3 days or so since we've been on the break and so he hasn't had that much time to think about what to do about our relationship
-he wants to go out drinking with will and dean friday night so he'll be leaving to go hunting in the morning on saturday, so it's fine if i just visit with pete during the day because he'll be home late saturday night because it's supposed to rain sunday.
-he's just really mad and he wants to calm down.
-he told pete to eat his food.
Soooo...what did we learn from this.
He's avoiding the issue. If he hadn't identified 5 times that he was "fuming" and "really pissed off" I would've called him out on it. But, i'll back off, and try not to think about it until tomorrow when I can hound him some more. I'm not hounding him though. I'm the type to want to know exactly what is going to happen in surgery so. That is kind of what I'm waiting for. The prognosis.
In other news, I can't think of anything else to write about right now, so I apologize but this is the majority of what you're going to get from me right now. Until something else happens. Like a new Tumblr account. With words of wisdom from yours truly and her "majestic" sister. Stay tuned.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Departure Components
In case any of you ever wondered if it was easier to separate if you're not married, just living together, I'm going to illustrate some of the separation details for you. Juuust in case you were wondering. Because personally I think the movies make it look easy. How many minutes does the protagonist cry? Probably about 5. Let me see if I can google it...no, google, you've made this one too difficult for my current attention span. I'd say if we actually timed it, the average on-screen cry would be about 2.5 minutes. Maybe. And that's if they're cry-talking with their bff, you know what I mean? You know what I mean.
The short list of things I can think of right now:
shared pets
split bills or memberships (sams club, cell phone, cable/internet, netflix)
acquired furniture
books
music
anything you went halfies on: the bed, the food, the boat, a car, a bathroom remodel, storage, dishes, rugs, etc.
vacation money
friends
year-round plants/trees/shrubbery that you planted together
okay i'm fighting tears now. or maybe it's my sinus infection symptoms...nope i'm crying. Time to take a break. Can't choke on my leftover pizza.
The short list of things I can think of right now:
shared pets
split bills or memberships (sams club, cell phone, cable/internet, netflix)
acquired furniture
books
music
anything you went halfies on: the bed, the food, the boat, a car, a bathroom remodel, storage, dishes, rugs, etc.
vacation money
friends
year-round plants/trees/shrubbery that you planted together
okay i'm fighting tears now. or maybe it's my sinus infection symptoms...nope i'm crying. Time to take a break. Can't choke on my leftover pizza.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Bask in the comfort of an impartial third party.
So Leo, the medical records guy at work, mentioned that Frank was home, and he asked if I was happy and I was honest about it being mixed emotions because of what's going on and he closed the door and said "you could tell me to eff off you know" and i looked at him like seriously? and i said "do i tell anyone to eff off?". So I told him the gist with some detail. And it felt safe and i looked away whenever I felt my voice start to quiver and I got through it without crying. The setting was helpful too I mean, the lunchroom, with a thin wall on the side we were standing so the dual office could probably hear us. So I had to play matter of fact. He feels bad and hopes it works out in my favor, whatever that is.
Nice, safe. Impartial third party. The people close to me are too...in it.
Anyway, I overheard a pt call me stupid under her breath and it was almost as devastating. I'm exaggerating. My program will be small and to tell you the truth, I can't wait. I'm so behind on paperwork, it's super embarrassing. I just want a break.
I found a nice hiding place. The spot in the center console of frank's boat is mosquito free and it's just the perfect nook for me. It's fabulous. It will be the head some day but that day is not today or probably this season, so awesome! I love nooks. As in, nookish places. Not the electronic device.
We're doing a minimalist dinner of seared scallops and raw broc with light bleu cheese dipping dressing. My throat is bothering me but my stomach says feed me so I need to compromise.
It's late. I'm tired. Almost there tho. Saturday is within reach, I can smell the blueberry waffles.
goodnight my dears.
Nice, safe. Impartial third party. The people close to me are too...in it.
Anyway, I overheard a pt call me stupid under her breath and it was almost as devastating. I'm exaggerating. My program will be small and to tell you the truth, I can't wait. I'm so behind on paperwork, it's super embarrassing. I just want a break.
I found a nice hiding place. The spot in the center console of frank's boat is mosquito free and it's just the perfect nook for me. It's fabulous. It will be the head some day but that day is not today or probably this season, so awesome! I love nooks. As in, nookish places. Not the electronic device.
We're doing a minimalist dinner of seared scallops and raw broc with light bleu cheese dipping dressing. My throat is bothering me but my stomach says feed me so I need to compromise.
It's late. I'm tired. Almost there tho. Saturday is within reach, I can smell the blueberry waffles.
goodnight my dears.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
That 'puffer fish' look is not becoming on you.
I need to keep from getting upset tonight for several reasons. The top one has two parts: I have to go to my training session tomorrow and I need to be ready for it. Other reasons include not wanting to look desperate and/or pathetic and/or pitiful. Not wanting Pete to see me upset (they say that's bad for displaying dominance on the totem pole, to not show any extreme emotions in front of pets because depending on the emotion it can be detrimental to how your pet views you so basically what they're saying is the pets are judging you, let's be honest). I am having difficult because I don't know how to sign Dean's get well soon card, and Frank got his bow hunting license for the season that opens the 8th of Sept I think, which means that he is going about his business and not experiencing anything life-disrupting here. And part of the reason why that is upsetting is because it seems that he isn't affected in the same way I am and the other part of the reason is that I don't really have an equivalent of that hobby.
I developed a grunge thing in my throat during the course of the day. I hope it's not an unpleasant condition. Do you believe those old stories about people (usually women) just wasting away because a relationship ends? I could see myself falling into that trap...anyway I have this throat grunge that makes me just want to wrap up my head in scarves and hoods and my body in blankets. It's not a good feeling.
All of the "I should've'"s are coming at me full force. It's no use tho. Really? You should've dyed your hair red? Git real.
A song came on pandora. http://youtu.be/Q4hYT-mYzI4
It's really sad. It features the world spinning without me and an empty space in my bed.
I think maybe I shouldn't think about finding another place to live until I definitely know I have to because I've noticed that I'm most upset when I try thinking logically on the way home from work and then when I get home I'm more upset because the reality of what I had been thinking about hits me and I have to visualize moving all of these things that are mine away from their current resting places.
I must say though, if you familiarize yourself with the stages of grief (according to Kubler-Ross) and take a step back and identify which stage you are displaying it helps you keep some emotional distance from the overwhelming physical symptoms that can unpleasantly intensify your grief. And remember always, the stages are not linear, so at any time you could experience any one of them, or multiple stages at the same time. For reviewing purposes, they include anger, bargaining, depression, denial, and acceptance. If you're anal and you like things in order (even though I just said they are not linear) the typical "order" if you must give assign it, is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I need to get some things done. Like put the rest of the groceries away. I should do my nails too, but I can't seem to find my base coat and no chip top coat...If you borrowed them can you please give them back?
Amen to pumpkin coffee.
I developed a grunge thing in my throat during the course of the day. I hope it's not an unpleasant condition. Do you believe those old stories about people (usually women) just wasting away because a relationship ends? I could see myself falling into that trap...anyway I have this throat grunge that makes me just want to wrap up my head in scarves and hoods and my body in blankets. It's not a good feeling.
All of the "I should've'"s are coming at me full force. It's no use tho. Really? You should've dyed your hair red? Git real.
A song came on pandora. http://youtu.be/Q4hYT-mYzI4
It's really sad. It features the world spinning without me and an empty space in my bed.
I think maybe I shouldn't think about finding another place to live until I definitely know I have to because I've noticed that I'm most upset when I try thinking logically on the way home from work and then when I get home I'm more upset because the reality of what I had been thinking about hits me and I have to visualize moving all of these things that are mine away from their current resting places.
I must say though, if you familiarize yourself with the stages of grief (according to Kubler-Ross) and take a step back and identify which stage you are displaying it helps you keep some emotional distance from the overwhelming physical symptoms that can unpleasantly intensify your grief. And remember always, the stages are not linear, so at any time you could experience any one of them, or multiple stages at the same time. For reviewing purposes, they include anger, bargaining, depression, denial, and acceptance. If you're anal and you like things in order (even though I just said they are not linear) the typical "order" if you must give assign it, is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I need to get some things done. Like put the rest of the groceries away. I should do my nails too, but I can't seem to find my base coat and no chip top coat...If you borrowed them can you please give them back?
Amen to pumpkin coffee.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Picture this if you will...
So, picture a heart in your mind, the way you picture most hearts. (Some people insist on being anatomically accurate, that's your prerogative.) Now picture it floating like an iceberg, where some of it is below the surface, and some of it is above. And it's chillin, literally, in a lonely part of the arctic ocean. The cold above the surface is a dry kind of bitter cold, it makes the surface of this heart iceberg brittle, and chip apart, and small bits and big chunks fall off into the deep. Some chunks stay close to the main part of the iceberg but some float away, never to be seen or heard from again. Slowly, more of the heart iceberg is below the surface. It's safer down there anyway. The icy water has a numbing affect.
Today I threw the potato away. The special one that sprouted last year that I didn't have the heart (or courage) to throw away because it was practically a member of the family. I almost named it. I probably did and just forgot the name. Yesterday I weeded the yard. For probably 6 hrs. Tomorrow, who knows. I might put all of my shoes in the closet. They're kind of loud anyway, they make statements much too often and some of them are louder than others. This slow process of silently making yourself smaller. There's zuccini in my soup. Luckily it's so mushy I can't really tell by taste. Why is it that the 'lighter' soups have to be infused with more black pepper? It just seems unfair. Why can't the light soup be proportionately lighter on taste?
Why is the sky blue? Oh wait I know that one. It's the light shining through small water particles.
Why do I get in trouble with my sister when all I did was answer her question? AHA! bet you can't answer that. I know I can't.
I don't know what to do. I do know what to do, but I don't know for how long i'll be doing it. My Matt Costa station on pandora is fabulous btw. I'm listening to it and it's nice, really. Anyway, until something seriously fracturing happens, I'll update the world on the small changes I make. Maybe I'll rediscover some big part of me under the surface that I locate because I'm making other parts disappear. Like my shoes. Maybe my shoes are drowning out my voice with their loud statements. Who knows. Anyway, poor mister potato plus two sprouts is in the garbage. Outside. He'll be what do they call it...repurposed. Like a heart iceberg. Or a failing relationship. Ooh how poetic if the heart iceberg sinks the relation-ship because of what's hidden under the surface.
Today I threw the potato away. The special one that sprouted last year that I didn't have the heart (or courage) to throw away because it was practically a member of the family. I almost named it. I probably did and just forgot the name. Yesterday I weeded the yard. For probably 6 hrs. Tomorrow, who knows. I might put all of my shoes in the closet. They're kind of loud anyway, they make statements much too often and some of them are louder than others. This slow process of silently making yourself smaller. There's zuccini in my soup. Luckily it's so mushy I can't really tell by taste. Why is it that the 'lighter' soups have to be infused with more black pepper? It just seems unfair. Why can't the light soup be proportionately lighter on taste?
Why is the sky blue? Oh wait I know that one. It's the light shining through small water particles.
Why do I get in trouble with my sister when all I did was answer her question? AHA! bet you can't answer that. I know I can't.
I don't know what to do. I do know what to do, but I don't know for how long i'll be doing it. My Matt Costa station on pandora is fabulous btw. I'm listening to it and it's nice, really. Anyway, until something seriously fracturing happens, I'll update the world on the small changes I make. Maybe I'll rediscover some big part of me under the surface that I locate because I'm making other parts disappear. Like my shoes. Maybe my shoes are drowning out my voice with their loud statements. Who knows. Anyway, poor mister potato plus two sprouts is in the garbage. Outside. He'll be what do they call it...repurposed. Like a heart iceberg. Or a failing relationship. Ooh how poetic if the heart iceberg sinks the relation-ship because of what's hidden under the surface.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Grasping at Straws
::sigh::.
I got a lot done yesterday from my extensive list. I think at this point though, after only getting one additional item done from yesterday, I will spend the remainder of the day doing lounge-about things like watching the rest of the movie 50/50 and eating and drinking my organic cider and reading my books and glancing over my magazines. I'm reading this one book, and it talks about the need to perform a "mental floss" to get rid of nonsense that stresses me out but isn't really big picture at all. I tell my patients to do something like that and what is listed in the first chapter all the time but I think i'm being a hipocrit because I don't do any of those things. I think I'm somewhat hastily assuming that they have more time in their daily lives because they don't have the responsibilities that I do. Is that unfair? That's unfair of me isn't it. I thought it might be. Because they don't realize that they have fewer responsibilities. I'm sure they feel their responsibilities are as proportionately difficult and challenging and overwhelming as I find mine. Anyway, the point is, I'm going to take my soup and my organic cider and go finish watching my movie. Because I don't chill enough and the world needs more natural chilling going on. None of the induced kind. I'll hit u up later.
I got a lot done yesterday from my extensive list. I think at this point though, after only getting one additional item done from yesterday, I will spend the remainder of the day doing lounge-about things like watching the rest of the movie 50/50 and eating and drinking my organic cider and reading my books and glancing over my magazines. I'm reading this one book, and it talks about the need to perform a "mental floss" to get rid of nonsense that stresses me out but isn't really big picture at all. I tell my patients to do something like that and what is listed in the first chapter all the time but I think i'm being a hipocrit because I don't do any of those things. I think I'm somewhat hastily assuming that they have more time in their daily lives because they don't have the responsibilities that I do. Is that unfair? That's unfair of me isn't it. I thought it might be. Because they don't realize that they have fewer responsibilities. I'm sure they feel their responsibilities are as proportionately difficult and challenging and overwhelming as I find mine. Anyway, the point is, I'm going to take my soup and my organic cider and go finish watching my movie. Because I don't chill enough and the world needs more natural chilling going on. None of the induced kind. I'll hit u up later.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Making the Preparations
I ordered myself a pizza with the understanding that I will also order a salad and I will be working on things around the house to prepare for the weekend I think I will have. This way I will be prepared for the weekend that followed the week that I was terribly unprepared for.
I don't want to think about all of the paperwork that I have to do for work. It gives me a knot in my stomach and I want to be able to eat my pizza and enjoy it. What's on the agenda for the night?
Take vitamins
Fill dishwasher
Run dishwasher
Empty dishwasher
Start laundry
Make shopping list that includes items for Sunday
Empty garbage cans and take garbage out because it smells like rotten watermelon...
Have you ever accidentally tried rotten watermelon? You might have purposefully tried it but that's just weird so i'm going to assume you might've accidentally tried it. It's gross. It leaves this horrendous rotten taste in your mouth that you might not have noticed after the first bite because your brain is trying to tell you it's delicious, but your mouth is like 'are you crazy? spit that out.'. Kind of like when your brain tells you to pick up something from the microwave or stove and your hands are like 'dude seriously? ouch? hello?'.
Plan outfit for tomorrow.
Plan elizabeth's outfit for tomorrow.
Needless to say, there was a delay in my brain realizing the watermelon was rotten and i had to run into the kitchen and spit it out. Because i'm a fatty when it comes to eating in front of the tv and i eat in front of the tv. that's in my bedroom.
Open the window in the bedroom to let cool air in while air cond is off.
Listen for pizza guy and hope he didn't get lost...
Share pizza crust w/ Pete bc he was a good boy and ate his breakfast when you got home from work.
hey, better late than never. don't judge.
STRETCH!!
my trainer always tells me to stretch and i say/think 'okay yes! stretching is good! flexibility is a weak point! i will remember!' and then i don't. i don't remember and i don't stretch except for that kitty cat stretch i do when i wake up in the morning as a way of asking the morning to kiss my ass.
Everyone should do that stretch. I'll make you feel less resentful of the morning sun that accompanies the morning, if that's an issue. Or your phone alarm. Or your parent or significant other who wakes you up but seriously that's a qualm of mine--why can't you get your own ass out of bed? I don't care how resentful you are of the morning (or afternoon, depending), take responsibility for getting yourself out of bed. For crying out loud. I can't tell you how many patients i've had in group and they don't call out of program, their mom or dad calls them out of program because 'they're still sleeping'. Nonsense. This is a pillar of adulthood. Unless you're suffering from a condition that prohibits you from rousing yourself, learn how to get out of your own way. It can feel so empowering, really, i mean it. Develop your own waking ritual. And then offer yourself a pat on the back for a job well done. Every small step should be recognized. Even if your mom or dad or significant other (or the morning sun) is thinking 'took you long enough'.
With that, i'll leave you to your thoughts and mine. Perhaps i'll make this a regular thing again. I don't know, i can't predict the future, but i'll give it a go once again.
Wish me luck and good night :).
I don't want to think about all of the paperwork that I have to do for work. It gives me a knot in my stomach and I want to be able to eat my pizza and enjoy it. What's on the agenda for the night?
Take vitamins
Fill dishwasher
Run dishwasher
Empty dishwasher
Start laundry
Make shopping list that includes items for Sunday
Empty garbage cans and take garbage out because it smells like rotten watermelon...
Have you ever accidentally tried rotten watermelon? You might have purposefully tried it but that's just weird so i'm going to assume you might've accidentally tried it. It's gross. It leaves this horrendous rotten taste in your mouth that you might not have noticed after the first bite because your brain is trying to tell you it's delicious, but your mouth is like 'are you crazy? spit that out.'. Kind of like when your brain tells you to pick up something from the microwave or stove and your hands are like 'dude seriously? ouch? hello?'.
Plan outfit for tomorrow.
Plan elizabeth's outfit for tomorrow.
Needless to say, there was a delay in my brain realizing the watermelon was rotten and i had to run into the kitchen and spit it out. Because i'm a fatty when it comes to eating in front of the tv and i eat in front of the tv. that's in my bedroom.
Open the window in the bedroom to let cool air in while air cond is off.
Listen for pizza guy and hope he didn't get lost...
Share pizza crust w/ Pete bc he was a good boy and ate his breakfast when you got home from work.
hey, better late than never. don't judge.
STRETCH!!
my trainer always tells me to stretch and i say/think 'okay yes! stretching is good! flexibility is a weak point! i will remember!' and then i don't. i don't remember and i don't stretch except for that kitty cat stretch i do when i wake up in the morning as a way of asking the morning to kiss my ass.
Everyone should do that stretch. I'll make you feel less resentful of the morning sun that accompanies the morning, if that's an issue. Or your phone alarm. Or your parent or significant other who wakes you up but seriously that's a qualm of mine--why can't you get your own ass out of bed? I don't care how resentful you are of the morning (or afternoon, depending), take responsibility for getting yourself out of bed. For crying out loud. I can't tell you how many patients i've had in group and they don't call out of program, their mom or dad calls them out of program because 'they're still sleeping'. Nonsense. This is a pillar of adulthood. Unless you're suffering from a condition that prohibits you from rousing yourself, learn how to get out of your own way. It can feel so empowering, really, i mean it. Develop your own waking ritual. And then offer yourself a pat on the back for a job well done. Every small step should be recognized. Even if your mom or dad or significant other (or the morning sun) is thinking 'took you long enough'.
With that, i'll leave you to your thoughts and mine. Perhaps i'll make this a regular thing again. I don't know, i can't predict the future, but i'll give it a go once again.
Wish me luck and good night :).
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
So much for that.
So, good intentions were initiated. Spending was limited. My discover bill is still not paid off completely. I'm certainly not drowning but. My plan failed. I'm going to get itchy to start purchasing Christmas presents. Perhaps I should buy one thing per person and make something else per person. Like a craft or a baked good. There is probably at least a hundred crafts per appropriately matched person. That's a good plan. Also in the new plan is to make a list of the items I would be willing to compromise on with regard to my relationship with frank and this godforsaken project house. It should have a name it's such a monumental buttsore. I'm having sort of a relationship crisis, and it's making everything else seem very far away when i'm home. Very numbing in a super unproductive way. Emotionally numbing though. Physically, i have indigestion. It is not causing emotional indigestion, just physical indigestion. It's distracting in that ADD way where you're doing something (driving, typing, talking, etc.) and simultaneously some random thought that was obviously lurking subconsciously floats to the surface and that glazed look clouds over my face. I probably look catatonic for a moment. It's not pretty. And I know i'm stuffing it down (which explains the indigestion) because (for example) i went to put olive oil on my tomatoes and i forgot to thank frank for filling the oil caraf because it's such a hated chore and i appreciate him doing it, and i texted him because he's in florida, to thank him and it almost turned me into a blubbering idiot. it's like crossing the line into oncoming traffic for an avid driving-texter. Close call. whew. dry eyes. I walked into group this morning and the most dazed out patient of mine noticed i looked tired. No bueno. He texted me a picture of the sunset. I can't see it because from my kitchen window all i see are treetops with some vague sunset color sinking below them. Certainly not the horizon. It was thoughtful of him. He's still working right now and it's ten to eight. And he was at work at 5 this morning, so it's a long day, and he thought of me to text the picture.
I don't know what to do. So I avoid shopping and i instead add pictures to pinterest.
Listen to my Matt Costa station on pandora. If you're in a chill mood. I have to go eat dinner and watch something mind-numbing on tv.
Tomorrow is another day.
I don't know what to do. So I avoid shopping and i instead add pictures to pinterest.
Listen to my Matt Costa station on pandora. If you're in a chill mood. I have to go eat dinner and watch something mind-numbing on tv.
Tomorrow is another day.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
No fun until zero balance.
In the spirit of micro-managing my finances and reducing the amount of blind eye-spending I've been engaging in, I made up some rules (because that's always an option) related to my spending. These are sort of like Gibbs' rules from NCIS because I know them, and they could very well be numbered, but there's like three #1 rules, and the rest are really quite arbitrary in their numbering. Here goes nothing.
Rule #1: Use my debit card whenever possible and especially on groceries. This keeps me from buying frivolously because I know the state of my checking account, so I really can't stock up on things I already have (which are usually big ticket items) and it also encourages me to not buy that nice piece of meat or fish, but use what's already in the freezer or fridge. Or get creative.
Rule #1: Do not go out with work friends when they take day trips unless I leave my wallet at the office. This will also reduce frivolous spending because I tend to buy things I don't need, convince myself that I need something that I don't really, all while these thoughts are co-signed by my well-intentioned co-worker friends.
Rule #1: When I go errand running with Frank, make sure I follow him around and I don't wander off on my own or the errors of the other two #1's occur. Repeatedly.
Other rules: #2: no rewards until my credit card is paid off. By some loose math work, that will take two pay periods, roughly accounting for next month's bills (rule #5, pay bills that are consistent at the beginning of the month, whether the bill came in the mail or not). #3: Track savings account to make sure it isn't being touched or affected, and to cement in my brain that savings are for saving, and not for transferring to checking to help cover bills (see rule #4). Rule #4: Once money is deposited into savings, the account will be treated like a certificate of deposit where something horrendous happens and I'm penalized for transferring the money out. Rule #6: If I transfer money out of savings and into checking, the reward schedule will be delayed one pay period (2 weeks).
The reward schedule is jam packed with awesomeness. I'm very much looking forward to this spring. It begins the week of 4/16, because that is the week after the bill should be paid in full.
Here's the schedule. Feel free to use it as a template to assist in your own saving adventures. Enjoy!
week of 4/16: steve aoki show (food, gas, etc.)
week of 4/23: frames for home photos
week of 4/30: flowers for the house
check savings account balance.
week of 5/7: tricky tray fundraiser at st rose (tickets, food, etc.)
week of 5/14: mothers' day, SKRILLEX/INCUBUS WOOOOOOOO, and Ray and Frosty's wedding
week of 5/21: Jamba juice and flavored honey for tea that I spotted at whole foods
week of 5/28: get blue pumps fixed and search for gold flats?
check savings account balance.
week of 6/4: Elizabeth's 21st bday week WOOOOOOO
week of 6/11: food shopping at wegman's or whole foods
week of 6/18: nude pumps
week of 6/25: dinner out with special people
check savings account balance.
Now, keep in mind there are things that come before 4/16 that require monies. however, it will be minimal, and based on what my checking account looks like. rule #7: outings will be spent from the checking account (like dear Mau's bday card, etc.) to control costs, because I know if I charge it to discover, it will sit and rot for a while. Let's not add to the scratches on the card, shall we?
Anyway, it's going to be a big spring for many reasons. I need to get back to my saturday which consists of cleaning, laundry, fighting my headache, helping Frank, transferring photos (finally) onto the comp, and taking new pics of the blooming trees outside. I might check in later, I might not.
<3.
Rule #1: Use my debit card whenever possible and especially on groceries. This keeps me from buying frivolously because I know the state of my checking account, so I really can't stock up on things I already have (which are usually big ticket items) and it also encourages me to not buy that nice piece of meat or fish, but use what's already in the freezer or fridge. Or get creative.
Rule #1: Do not go out with work friends when they take day trips unless I leave my wallet at the office. This will also reduce frivolous spending because I tend to buy things I don't need, convince myself that I need something that I don't really, all while these thoughts are co-signed by my well-intentioned co-worker friends.
Rule #1: When I go errand running with Frank, make sure I follow him around and I don't wander off on my own or the errors of the other two #1's occur. Repeatedly.
Other rules: #2: no rewards until my credit card is paid off. By some loose math work, that will take two pay periods, roughly accounting for next month's bills (rule #5, pay bills that are consistent at the beginning of the month, whether the bill came in the mail or not). #3: Track savings account to make sure it isn't being touched or affected, and to cement in my brain that savings are for saving, and not for transferring to checking to help cover bills (see rule #4). Rule #4: Once money is deposited into savings, the account will be treated like a certificate of deposit where something horrendous happens and I'm penalized for transferring the money out. Rule #6: If I transfer money out of savings and into checking, the reward schedule will be delayed one pay period (2 weeks).
The reward schedule is jam packed with awesomeness. I'm very much looking forward to this spring. It begins the week of 4/16, because that is the week after the bill should be paid in full.
Here's the schedule. Feel free to use it as a template to assist in your own saving adventures. Enjoy!
week of 4/16: steve aoki show (food, gas, etc.)
week of 4/23: frames for home photos
week of 4/30: flowers for the house
check savings account balance.
week of 5/7: tricky tray fundraiser at st rose (tickets, food, etc.)
week of 5/14: mothers' day, SKRILLEX/INCUBUS WOOOOOOOO, and Ray and Frosty's wedding
week of 5/21: Jamba juice and flavored honey for tea that I spotted at whole foods
week of 5/28: get blue pumps fixed and search for gold flats?
check savings account balance.
week of 6/4: Elizabeth's 21st bday week WOOOOOOO
week of 6/11: food shopping at wegman's or whole foods
week of 6/18: nude pumps
week of 6/25: dinner out with special people
check savings account balance.
Now, keep in mind there are things that come before 4/16 that require monies. however, it will be minimal, and based on what my checking account looks like. rule #7: outings will be spent from the checking account (like dear Mau's bday card, etc.) to control costs, because I know if I charge it to discover, it will sit and rot for a while. Let's not add to the scratches on the card, shall we?
Anyway, it's going to be a big spring for many reasons. I need to get back to my saturday which consists of cleaning, laundry, fighting my headache, helping Frank, transferring photos (finally) onto the comp, and taking new pics of the blooming trees outside. I might check in later, I might not.
<3.
Friday, March 16, 2012
there's a hoooole, there's a hoooole.
This post will be dedicated to the things i need to do. i'm going to try and order it chronologically according to importance/urgency. Wish me luck.
I need to...
turn on some jams (moved up 1 space)
change into house-cleaning clothes
make a cup of tea (moved up 3 spaces)
vacuum the hallway
separate the laundry
eat a piece of chocolate
watch missed episode of modern family
maybe go with frank to pep boys.
organize gym bag (and collect nerve) for tomorrow
think about what i can make to bring to grammys from what i have in my kitchen
go to bed no later than 10pm
remind myself of what's around me and refrain from looking for more (move up several spaces, i don't feel like counting)
wake up (no one should take this for granted)
get motivated
make protein shake for post gym
check bananas for ripeness for pre-workout snack
do gym
call eddie
shower
drive to atlantic auto body with my game face in tow
apply game face
don't take no for an answer (this might appear more than once)
smile at a dog who is enjoying the sunshine out the window of a car
return home and continue house-cleaning duties
check in with sis and/or dad regarding chances of sleepover
prepare what i'm bringing to grammys
look up origins of st patrick's day
consider incorporating green into outfit
get rinsed and dressed
pack for sleepover if it's occurring
don't stop along the way to buy anything (do not pass go, do not collect $200)
contemplate on the way to grammys how to make more money
remind myself of the feeling i got when my mother became aware of the extent of my spending issues. (this one will be repeated, repeatedly.)
have fun at grammys, socializing with the women because the men sit quietly or are so loud that i automatically tune them out.
text frank
refinance my habits with bills taken out first rather than after the fact.
don't use my credit or debit card at all for a week unless for gas.
that's just the start. lets see how it goes. how did it work out with lowering your expectations? as soon as i remind myself to, i calm down. i notice it all the time.
anyway, music on, tea poured, vacuuming slippers prepared. readyyy, go!
I need to...
turn on some jams (moved up 1 space)
change into house-cleaning clothes
make a cup of tea (moved up 3 spaces)
vacuum the hallway
separate the laundry
eat a piece of chocolate
watch missed episode of modern family
maybe go with frank to pep boys.
organize gym bag (and collect nerve) for tomorrow
think about what i can make to bring to grammys from what i have in my kitchen
go to bed no later than 10pm
remind myself of what's around me and refrain from looking for more (move up several spaces, i don't feel like counting)
wake up (no one should take this for granted)
get motivated
make protein shake for post gym
check bananas for ripeness for pre-workout snack
do gym
call eddie
shower
drive to atlantic auto body with my game face in tow
apply game face
don't take no for an answer (this might appear more than once)
smile at a dog who is enjoying the sunshine out the window of a car
return home and continue house-cleaning duties
check in with sis and/or dad regarding chances of sleepover
prepare what i'm bringing to grammys
look up origins of st patrick's day
consider incorporating green into outfit
get rinsed and dressed
pack for sleepover if it's occurring
don't stop along the way to buy anything (do not pass go, do not collect $200)
contemplate on the way to grammys how to make more money
remind myself of the feeling i got when my mother became aware of the extent of my spending issues. (this one will be repeated, repeatedly.)
have fun at grammys, socializing with the women because the men sit quietly or are so loud that i automatically tune them out.
text frank
refinance my habits with bills taken out first rather than after the fact.
don't use my credit or debit card at all for a week unless for gas.
that's just the start. lets see how it goes. how did it work out with lowering your expectations? as soon as i remind myself to, i calm down. i notice it all the time.
anyway, music on, tea poured, vacuuming slippers prepared. readyyy, go!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
the Tuesday after last.
Hello Friends. I wanted to share with you the few 'firsts' that i've experienced the past week or so. Last Tuesday, i hit my first deer, which was really sad. and then i took pictures of the front of my car and it made me sad again. And then people asked me how it happened and I got sad again, retelling the story. The damage wasn't all that severe--I need a new bumper, grill, and grill emblem. Frank thinks I need a new bumper support too so we'll see what the auto shop says.
That same day, i was scheduled to try and give blood for the first time. As in, donate. Which was an awesome feeling. I felt like I was going to faint twice but I managed to pull through and give almost a unit of blood. I don't know what blood type I have, but the nice nurse who took my bp and tested my iron level, and then took my bp three more times when i almost fainted, called to check on me yesterday. So sweet right? She's not on site but she thought to call and follow up anyway. She said when the results come back she'd make a note to call me again and let me know what blood type I am. Super excited.
Then today, I swung a kettlebell over my head for the first time. I kept looking at the exercises on the crossfit website thinking 'there's no way...' and then today i just wrote it down in my notebook and worked it into my tuesday routine, and i just did it. i thought in my head what it looked like on the video on the website, and there i was, doing multiple sets with multiple reps of a kettlebell swing that extended over my head, crossfit style. What an awesome feeling.
Anyway, I was thinking on some level, while doing backdated weekly notes, sitting on my exercise ball at work, that I should try to do something new every Tuesday. I can't say they'll all be as exciting as swinging a kettlebell over my head or donating blood for the first time, but I will try to do something new. We'll see how it goes.
How is the progress on lowering your expectations? I tried after writing something about it, and it did work. But it's so short lived. I have so many preconceived notions regarding my expectations on how certain things should go down, that by the time i remember that i was trying to lower my expectations, i'm already upset and disappointed.
I'll continue to try my best if you do.
That same day, i was scheduled to try and give blood for the first time. As in, donate. Which was an awesome feeling. I felt like I was going to faint twice but I managed to pull through and give almost a unit of blood. I don't know what blood type I have, but the nice nurse who took my bp and tested my iron level, and then took my bp three more times when i almost fainted, called to check on me yesterday. So sweet right? She's not on site but she thought to call and follow up anyway. She said when the results come back she'd make a note to call me again and let me know what blood type I am. Super excited.
Then today, I swung a kettlebell over my head for the first time. I kept looking at the exercises on the crossfit website thinking 'there's no way...' and then today i just wrote it down in my notebook and worked it into my tuesday routine, and i just did it. i thought in my head what it looked like on the video on the website, and there i was, doing multiple sets with multiple reps of a kettlebell swing that extended over my head, crossfit style. What an awesome feeling.
Anyway, I was thinking on some level, while doing backdated weekly notes, sitting on my exercise ball at work, that I should try to do something new every Tuesday. I can't say they'll all be as exciting as swinging a kettlebell over my head or donating blood for the first time, but I will try to do something new. We'll see how it goes.
How is the progress on lowering your expectations? I tried after writing something about it, and it did work. But it's so short lived. I have so many preconceived notions regarding my expectations on how certain things should go down, that by the time i remember that i was trying to lower my expectations, i'm already upset and disappointed.
I'll continue to try my best if you do.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Pretty girls poop too.
i was thinking about an old supervisor recently and the conversations we used to have. the idea that girls poop was a reality that he refused to hear, and i hadn't even initiated that conversation, but i found myself arguing, obviously, in support of the fact that girls do, in fact, poop. I thought of this when I was in the bathroom at work, because it's not a bathroom that only has one toilet, it has two stalls because it's a patient bathroom, and i felt so embarrassed for having to go to the bathroom and it's like, really? why? i was dressed all nice in heels and a skirt, and i thought hey, pretty girls poop too.
we were talking in group and this one patient was talking about how she needs to stop thinking that everyone cares about every little thing she does, and that no one is expecting her to be perfect. And generally, i think that's true, but there are definitely instances that i think we can all think of if we give it a moment where someone was obviously expecting perfect, and they were very disappointed and let us know one way or the other of their dissatisfaction. This is part of the thinking behind my old supervisor's belief that girls don't poop, because if they did, his impression of them would lessen, because pooping is such a vile thing doncha know. which is probably why i disagreed with him so strongly, because how can you judge someone for performing a basic function of even the tiniest single-celled organisms? Right? Even plant and animal cells "poop".
In the spirit of this particular train of thought, i ask my loyal readers (all two of you) as well as myself to drop some of my expectations over the next few days, or at least as long as the thought lasts. See if, when you lower those expectations, you are less aggravated at the result. I will be making a conscious effort and I'll try to report back.
Have a fabulous day and take a moment to enjoy the sunshine.
we were talking in group and this one patient was talking about how she needs to stop thinking that everyone cares about every little thing she does, and that no one is expecting her to be perfect. And generally, i think that's true, but there are definitely instances that i think we can all think of if we give it a moment where someone was obviously expecting perfect, and they were very disappointed and let us know one way or the other of their dissatisfaction. This is part of the thinking behind my old supervisor's belief that girls don't poop, because if they did, his impression of them would lessen, because pooping is such a vile thing doncha know. which is probably why i disagreed with him so strongly, because how can you judge someone for performing a basic function of even the tiniest single-celled organisms? Right? Even plant and animal cells "poop".
In the spirit of this particular train of thought, i ask my loyal readers (all two of you) as well as myself to drop some of my expectations over the next few days, or at least as long as the thought lasts. See if, when you lower those expectations, you are less aggravated at the result. I will be making a conscious effort and I'll try to report back.
Have a fabulous day and take a moment to enjoy the sunshine.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
his will they'll take away.
so, work has been particularly depressing these days. and i know that it's taking up more headspace than it should because i realize on some level how messy my house has become. because i come home and really, how much energy can come from something already so drained? and the distractibility...my goodness. for example. it's taken me about 45 minutes to feed the dog and probably an hour to put the groceries away because sure i scooped food from the bag and put it in his bowl but then i got distracted by what i got from anthro today during my emotional mini shopping spree, and i wanted to make sure i hung the stuff up before it got wrinkled so i did that but then i planned my outfit using the sweater i bought and the shoes i never wear because they're leopard print and high, and then i came back into the kitchen and put water in the dog's bowl and got distracted by putting some of the groceries away, and glancing at the old leftovers in the fridge, felt sad about that, grabbed the dog's benedryl and put it on the counter, and now it's 8:17 at night and the groceries are still on the counter sort of in bags and the microwave is beeping because i settled on a lean cuisine (which counts as a notch for 'fail' in my mental food diary) and the dog didn't get his benedryl yet.
I'm not sure why i bothered. he's not going to eat it until frank comes home anyway.
Now the lean cuisine needs to be eaten and the dishwasher needs to be filled and the groceries need to be put away and it's now 8:24pm and i haven't even peed yet. I think maybe every day this week it occurred to me how badly i'd like to be able to read minds so that i could tell if my pts are lying to me. it's so very frustrating in a distracting sort of way.
so i ate my lean cuisine. i threw a cup of spinach on it so it wasn't as bad. pete actually ate his food, he got tired of waiting. he's been doing his big boy bark and poop dance so i suppose i'll have to take him but after i load the dishwasher...and finish putting the groceries away.
i know these are some boring posts but i'm so scatterbrained...i figured a bit of congruence might be therapeutic for me and you. but mostly me.
good night and happy almost friday. again.
I'm not sure why i bothered. he's not going to eat it until frank comes home anyway.
Now the lean cuisine needs to be eaten and the dishwasher needs to be filled and the groceries need to be put away and it's now 8:24pm and i haven't even peed yet. I think maybe every day this week it occurred to me how badly i'd like to be able to read minds so that i could tell if my pts are lying to me. it's so very frustrating in a distracting sort of way.
so i ate my lean cuisine. i threw a cup of spinach on it so it wasn't as bad. pete actually ate his food, he got tired of waiting. he's been doing his big boy bark and poop dance so i suppose i'll have to take him but after i load the dishwasher...and finish putting the groceries away.
i know these are some boring posts but i'm so scatterbrained...i figured a bit of congruence might be therapeutic for me and you. but mostly me.
good night and happy almost friday. again.
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