Desperately seeking directional whisps.

I think I might need to chronicle the discomforts of my prior living arrangement. Just to put things in perspective. I think it would be easier than the list of comforts as I am still lamenting their absence.

• the people in the area
• the size of the house
• the woods surrounding it
• the construction
• the projects and bits and pieces of projects outside
• the size of the land needing attention
• lack of couple activity and overall togetherness
• lack of shared goals/dreams/values
• distance from family
• paying for things i didn't think we needed
• the feeling that i needed to defend his intentions/actions and lack of action
• putting off dreams of getting married
• doing most things alone
• feeling like a burden when i asked for something. or even just if i looked at him.
• competing with the projects and hobbies for attention i didn't feel like i got anyway.

That's a pretty solid list. Like i said, it's only fair if i make a list of comforts too but it'll make me cry and i'm not up for that right now. I've been tear free since Saturday (minus allergies, i swear it was allergies) and i'd like to extend the streak.
I can't make any promises though, because the thought that is sinking to the bottom of my stomach is mighty unpleasant. It's surrounding the idea that he doesn't mind that i'm not around. which, i mean, that's part of the reason why i'm not there but it bothers me that he doesn't call or text. which is inaccurate, because he will text and ask "You ok". It's awkward. No punctuation. I know what he's asking though. "Did you cry today? Because it makes me sad to think you cried so I hope you say you're ok.". But that's not what he says. He's a man of few words when it comes to feelings. Are all guys like that? According to Gerard Butler's character in the Ugly Truth, none of them are actually like that unless they've been emasculated by their wives or girlfriends. It's very heteronormative but that's a conversation for another day.
See Brave for the whisp reference.

There is no right way to heal

The opposite of there being no wrong way to eat a Reese's. Oh my. My mother just yelled from the basement about the football game being on.
So, the meaning behind my title today has to do with this guilty feeling that I have. I don't know what Frank is going to say about what he thinks we should do with the pieces of this relationship that have been fractured and left to fall to the floor, but I tried to tell from his tone of voice what direction it was going to go in and it didn't sound all that good. Which is devastating. However, I'm already looking at real estate. Elsewhere. And I don't mean proverbial "real estate" as in other guys, I mean housing. And my brain is switching to the things that I've been enduring about him for years instead of endearing. An individual should not have to endure the personality qualms of their loved one. My brain is like the pensieve, with swirling memories of what others have told me and certain memories I have with him, good and bad. And I do feel as though I'm preparing for a war. These are the cliff notes from tonight's talk:
-CVS accidentally filled a script for cholesterol medication instead of allergy medication so he was fuming about that, and it seemed he used it at one point to skirt around having to talk about what he has been thinking recently about our relationship
-he's not mad at me he's just mad about the pharmacy and their negligence.
-it's only been 3 days or so since we've been on the break and so he hasn't had that much time to think about what to do about our relationship
-he wants to go out drinking with will and dean friday night so he'll be leaving to go hunting in the morning on saturday, so it's fine if i just visit with pete during the day because he'll be home late saturday night because it's supposed to rain sunday.
-he's just really mad and he wants to calm down.
-he told pete to eat his food.
Soooo...what did we learn from this.
He's avoiding the issue. If he hadn't identified 5 times that he was "fuming" and "really pissed off" I would've called him out on it. But, i'll back off, and try not to think about it until tomorrow when I can hound him some more. I'm not hounding him though. I'm the type to want to know exactly what is going to happen in surgery so. That is kind of what I'm waiting for. The prognosis.
In other news, I can't think of anything else to write about right now, so I apologize but this is the majority of what you're going to get from me right now. Until something else happens. Like a new Tumblr account. With words of wisdom from yours truly and her "majestic" sister. Stay tuned.