I can't seem to get the wrinkles out of my forehead. This is the thought that occurs to me. The concern that simultaneously throws my eyes open and tries to close them in the hopes of returning my eyebrows to their home position. I notice i'm scrunching my brow actually i think the word is 'furrowing' even when i'm trying to relax it. like now. It's almost ten thirty but the only lights are the screen of my laptop and the cable box's digital time keeper. So maybe i can attribute my scrunch/furrow to the contrast. I felt it before though. Even with my eyes closed. It's suddenly this subconscious concern of mine--my pillow case increasing my crow's feet. There's a name for them! The wrinkles in the corners of your eyes. Maybe I need to eat more omega 3's or something. My dad has pretty greasy skin on his face and not much in the way of wrinkles. except for his forehead. he has crevasses, approximately three of them, running like the horizontal plane that designates the first and second quadrants from the third and fourth. His hairline running like one of those y= something-or-other. i don't remember what it was. it had to be partially positive though because it was north of that horizontal plane. I don't think i'll ever get that knowledge back, but it won't help me with my wrinkles anyway, so I'm not sure it matters. Describing it objectively on my father's face helps me think of it without applying emotion to it. The depressing judgmental emotion that comes into my consciousness when he's having a tantrum about the pizza not being cooked properly. Oy. It's depressing though too, because it shows his age. His age shows my age. His age shows his ... what's the word...unmet expectations. His displeasure that he chooses over acknowledging what needs acknowledging. Hm. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Speaking of focusing on displeasure because she's not acknowledging something she should be.
I'm worried about myself. I came home from picking up chinese food so frustrated with myself, my surroundings, my parents, my sister, my situation, my way of being, my way of coping, my face literally contorted. Stupid wrinkles standing out. Especially the skin between my brows. Like a mini mountain range. Just a little one. Highly concentrated though. Housing all of the emotion in physical form, that indicated I was feeling overwhelmed by that laundry list of displeasing items.
I've decided that I need to start writing these things down. I need to be candid somewhere. I don't want to see a therapist right now, and I keep telling my patients, pleading with them actually, to talk in group so that they don't explode somewhere inconvenient. Meanwhile, I get watery-eyed and my mother sees and worries and then i feel guilty and then i'm so frustrated with myself that i don't hug her back when she hugs me, and then i feel guilty for not hugging her back because i would imagine she needs a hug back. Oh so complex. These emotions. And how fast they come. One right after the other and sometimes often overlapping. Like waves.
I was laying here listening to the 'sweet dreams' playlist on 8tracks and a fleetwood mac song came on and I realized I was complaining in my head about all the noise i was heairng in the other room while elsewhere in my brain I was vaguely aware of the lyrics to the fleetwood mac song, talking about being afraid of changing because I've built my life around you. And I noticed my complaining brain pushing the song lyrics and my awareness of them away, because they were hitting home. And I wondered whether i've disliked that song forever because it was speaking the truth about me. 'I'm getting older too' after all. And I am afraid of changing. Because I did build my life around you. And. If i did that then what am I left with when the 'you' part is gone? I'm left with the pieces of what I was trying to become before I started actively building my life around you. It's like that feeling of waking up and realizing that your parents are much older than you'd like them to be, and they're quite wrinkled. And you know you'll be that way too. You finally see your own face that you apparently have been ignoring for what it really is. The face of an almost 28 year old that is developing some depressingly impressive frown lines. Blemishes. Yellowing teeth. Eye lashes lashing in different directions, harnessed only mostly by blackish goo that's been mostly swiped off the mascara brush. Mostly.
Before the fleetwood mac song was clarified for me, i was watching a movie called Ruby Sparks, about a young male author who starts dreaming about a girl and then starts writing about her and then suddenly she appears. At one point in the movie, she starts becoming distant from him and so he writes into the story that she felt miserable without him and so suddenly she is calling and wanting to stay and clinging to his arm all the time, and hugging his arm while he's driving, and she's looking out the back windshield and they're eating cereal from the same bowl, and she won't leave his side and doesn't want him to leave hers and it's much too much cling for him. And he isn't happy with that. And I related. Sort of the opposite though. I was like that at times, though not as desperate but feeling desperate but not wanting to communicate my desperation through anything but action, and he doubted my affection. He said he wasn't happy. He acted cold. He did things (unintentionally, i think) that pushed me away so i did not want to cling to his arm anymore. And then he took my lack of clinging personally, and said he was unhappy. And said he wanted a break. So I gave him a break. And he didn't like that either. Breaks are lonely, especially when you live 50 or so minutes away. And you're tired of being the one to make the drive just because he has a more demanding lifestyle. I did that though. I changed for him. I went against what I wanted for myself in college. Apparently I was tenacious in college. Nate said so. I believe him. He seems like a good judge of character. My sister said so too but she didn't use the word 'tenacious', and neither did Scott but I think he'd agree with Nate. They don't use vocab words like that but I don't even use that word, and especially not when describing myself. But I must've been quite the son of a gun in college. Because Nate thought I was tenacious. I think he might have said I seemed brave too. Brave. Not the word I'd use. I wouldn't use tenacious either and not just because it's a dollar bill kind of a word. Also because I do shy away from a challenge. I must have found a piece of my tenacity though because I'm going through with this whole home buying process. But I didn't tell frank that's what the seminar was about this morning. And the idea of buying a real bed is one I look forward to. Who but a displaced person would fantasize about having a bed of one's own? A real bed. I didn't tell him I was looking to get a real bed either. If I was sadistic I would tell him and I would relish in passing it along. But I'm not like that. The idea of telling him turns my stomach. See what I mean? I'm not even tenacious enough to price mattresses for crying out loud.
April shared today that she's moving in with her boyfriend at the beginning of June. I mustered my best game face for that one. She deserves genuine happiness and contentment. Calm and closure. And the sadness, hopelessness, helplessness overcomes me. Did I spend money today? You bet your ass i did.
I decided to roll back over and turn on my laptop because my eyes didn't feel tired. It occurred to me that my sweet apple pie rooibos tea might not have been decaf...probably should have thought that one through a bit better. Who knows? Maybe if I had decaf I would not have rolled over and vented my brain out my fingertips until I felt properly drained.
I need to look fresh tomorrow. As fresh as I possibly can. Maybe I can nap on the way up to the auto show so I can look dewy eyed as if a really cute boy who flirts with me at the gym was going to be there and was going to see me. And then I will work to become completely immersed in the experience because that's when magic happens. When I forget where I am and all I know is what I'm doing. Because when I come back home I will again be immersed in the reality of the situation. I am getting older, I am trying to restart myself at 28, my parents are getting old enough for me to have rational, realistic concerns. I am no longer pretty by default I have to try at it. And I am terrified of the next steps. Terrified. I'm doing new things and I'm afraid of doing new things because I had myself convinced i'd be safely tucked in the crook of his arm for the rest of my life. I owe it to myself to do these things. I won't know I can't do them unless I try and fail. And I've been practicing, thanks to my chosen occupation, to view failure as flexibly as I need to. So. I don't think I'll fail. Only by doing nothing will I fail. That'll be the rule. Like a gauge, where zero means standing still. I can crab walk to my next destination, just as long as I strike out, that's all that matters.
Vroom vroom.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Sunday, December 30, 2012
[Ir]Resolute
I like the list i found for ways to improve how you feel at home
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/10-things-that-will-make-you-happier-at-home-174151
and it referenced this book
http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Project-Aristotle-Generally/dp/006158326X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1356844298&sr=8-2&keywords=happier+at+home
that i happened to purchase that i should really be applying to my life right now but it'll have to wait because i'm not at "home". however, the ten items are applicable and i'm going to try to apply them. I want to add the document that i typed the ten items into but i can't tell which button does that...i tried to upload an image but even though i saved it to pdf it won't recognize that as an image file. so you'll just have to read it yourself because i'm too lazy to retype it however...
it'll help me remember to repeat it again. let's see how many i can paraphrase and type myself without looking at the list.
in no particular order:
1. make your bed
2. leave rooms in a ready state (meaning clean up after yourself so you're no overwhelmed by clutter, which i am)
3. do something nice without expecting anything in return for someone who you live with.
4. take a few minutes to get spiritually connected to something greater than you once a day.
5. call a different friend or family member each day
i'm really trying to remember them. i just got really distracted and my mind's eye could not focus on the piece of paper i wrote them down on. oh!
6. spend money on items that add to the experience of your home.
7. have sentimental items on display.
if someone asked me face to face to think of these they'd give up waiting before i could think of more than 2 or 3 at most. for the sake of sleep i'll cheat and check the list.
i missed
8. duh! the one that i started maybe half an hour ago!: start a one-line-a-day gratitude journal.
9. the dish washing example: if you can't get out of it, get into it.
10. before you get up each morning, set an intent for the day.
So these are simple and easy to remember HOWEVER there's this other list on destressing and i think there are 50 FIFTY five-oh items on that list and that's kind of stressful...counterproductive.
http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/self-improvement/50-things-to-stop-doing-forever
okay so it isn't to destress it's just things that i should stop doing forever and some of the stuff on that list is SPOT ON. spot. on.
HOWEVER HOWEVER i feel like this is a really complicated logic problem. i wish i learned that language...
Not everyone's list is appropriate for everyone else so i'm going to be adding some random thoughts on here. This might result in some shoddy blog posts but you should be used to that by now, since it's been forever since i last blogged. I'm so envious of these ppl who seemingly have forever to write their posts and practice what they post, etc.
This is the short list of things that i can think of right now:
1. be less apologetic
2. fold up some of my guilt-ridden shirts, put them in those space saver bags, and lock them in a suitcase that i'll keep in my trunk. or i could just say that i'll stop living according to what my guilty-feeling self tells me i should take into consideration.
3. get another tattoo. or two.
4. be more spontaneous.
5. stop taking myself so seriously. or try to. i'm really not awesome enough to warrant such a serious demeanor.
That's a good starting list. It's really the sort of thing you need to come up with on your own.
I'm getting too old for this nonsense of trying to live my life according to what seems like the right thing to do and all of that nonsense. The people who tell you what you should be doing will not always be there and what will you do when they are gone? You have to exercise in your decision making shoes to stretch them out now so they fit nicely later. Like you've owned them all along, because you have.
At the end of the day, and at the end of your time here, it's all you. You're all you've got. So, you might wanna practice a little now. Just sayin.
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/10-things-that-will-make-you-happier-at-home-174151
and it referenced this book
http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Project-Aristotle-Generally/dp/006158326X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1356844298&sr=8-2&keywords=happier+at+home
that i happened to purchase that i should really be applying to my life right now but it'll have to wait because i'm not at "home". however, the ten items are applicable and i'm going to try to apply them. I want to add the document that i typed the ten items into but i can't tell which button does that...i tried to upload an image but even though i saved it to pdf it won't recognize that as an image file. so you'll just have to read it yourself because i'm too lazy to retype it however...
it'll help me remember to repeat it again. let's see how many i can paraphrase and type myself without looking at the list.
in no particular order:
1. make your bed
2. leave rooms in a ready state (meaning clean up after yourself so you're no overwhelmed by clutter, which i am)
3. do something nice without expecting anything in return for someone who you live with.
4. take a few minutes to get spiritually connected to something greater than you once a day.
5. call a different friend or family member each day
i'm really trying to remember them. i just got really distracted and my mind's eye could not focus on the piece of paper i wrote them down on. oh!
6. spend money on items that add to the experience of your home.
7. have sentimental items on display.
if someone asked me face to face to think of these they'd give up waiting before i could think of more than 2 or 3 at most. for the sake of sleep i'll cheat and check the list.
i missed
8. duh! the one that i started maybe half an hour ago!: start a one-line-a-day gratitude journal.
9. the dish washing example: if you can't get out of it, get into it.
10. before you get up each morning, set an intent for the day.
So these are simple and easy to remember HOWEVER there's this other list on destressing and i think there are 50 FIFTY five-oh items on that list and that's kind of stressful...counterproductive.
http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/self-improvement/50-things-to-stop-doing-forever
okay so it isn't to destress it's just things that i should stop doing forever and some of the stuff on that list is SPOT ON. spot. on.
HOWEVER HOWEVER i feel like this is a really complicated logic problem. i wish i learned that language...
Not everyone's list is appropriate for everyone else so i'm going to be adding some random thoughts on here. This might result in some shoddy blog posts but you should be used to that by now, since it's been forever since i last blogged. I'm so envious of these ppl who seemingly have forever to write their posts and practice what they post, etc.
This is the short list of things that i can think of right now:
1. be less apologetic
2. fold up some of my guilt-ridden shirts, put them in those space saver bags, and lock them in a suitcase that i'll keep in my trunk. or i could just say that i'll stop living according to what my guilty-feeling self tells me i should take into consideration.
3. get another tattoo. or two.
4. be more spontaneous.
5. stop taking myself so seriously. or try to. i'm really not awesome enough to warrant such a serious demeanor.
That's a good starting list. It's really the sort of thing you need to come up with on your own.
I'm getting too old for this nonsense of trying to live my life according to what seems like the right thing to do and all of that nonsense. The people who tell you what you should be doing will not always be there and what will you do when they are gone? You have to exercise in your decision making shoes to stretch them out now so they fit nicely later. Like you've owned them all along, because you have.
At the end of the day, and at the end of your time here, it's all you. You're all you've got. So, you might wanna practice a little now. Just sayin.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
[Mal]Adaptive Behavior II
So, what i was getting at last night but i didn't get to because i got too tired is that i've been dormant. I go into this default mode so that I get through my daily tasks but none of it is done with the pizzazz or the enthusiasm that I usually approach things with. The passion is dormant. My thrill and zest for life is like the embers on the log in the fireplace that aren't strong enough to cause the cooler log you just added to catch fire. So the embers turn from bright orange to faint orange to a sad, empty, cold gray that gives off a small, weak plume of smoke before completely disappearing and blending into the rest of the landscape of un-tinged wood.
As if to entice some flame, my mother says something like, that I'm faking my interest in football and that I don't really like it. Thanks ma. Super helpful. This was a most recent development. Picture this if you will.
Family friends who have moved to Ohio who are mostly all really into football, follow all the college teams religiously as well, are over after dinner watching the rest of the notre dame v usc game on tv in the kitchen. eyes peeled. absent-mindedly forking their unwanted ice cream cake during commercials and talking about commercial explanations, old tv shows and what they're doing with the seaside roller coaster. kim (the mom) is seated with her back to the tv--a clear declaration of how she feels about having to watch the rest of her family watch the possibly 6th or 7th game of the holiday week. across from her, with her back to me, is my mom. for most of dessert i didn't feel like sitting because i was stuffed, and it was more comfortable to stand, so i was watching over her shoulder. at some point, after cup of tea number 2 was poured for steph and kim, allison came back from the bathroom and sat at the table, between kim and mom, so i took her seat (stool number 2) at the counter, facing the tv, still out of sight of my mom. i watched notre dame maintain their lead. i made a comment in the conversation regarding the coaches trophy even though it wasn't something i was into. All the while this is going on, i'm convinced that this game is interesting. they have a defensive player from hawaii i think, whose girl friend had died from leukemia. two people my sister knows are going there for school. for all i care, i've invested my positive win the game energies into nd. i'm conscious of the numb, dormant feeling the whole time but i notice that i'm able to zone in to the game and the rest of the people in the kitchen disappear, as is what usually happens when i'm watching tv and i'm totally tuned in.
mom apparently didn't know i was watching the game and thought i was feigning interest and accused me of it while we were cleaning up after they went home. first of all, i was trying to feel the spark again, because i've lost the spark of interest in lots of things (sometimes eating, sometimes sleeping, sometimes maintaining the daily tasks) and i find it really upsetting. second of all, even if i was feigning my interest in football, wouldn't that be better than having to listen to the comments from my sister and father, who wouldn't bat an eyelash if the nfl ceased to exist? third of all, the last thing you want to do when someone seems off-kilter, after something upsetting happens, is to assume the reason(s) why they seem off-kilter.
pain in the ass.
i woke up this morning with tears streaming down my face because i had a dream that frank felt the need to put pete to sleep with a lawnmower and a gun. it was really gory. and as i lay out clothes on the drying rack in her bedroom she wants to know what's wrong. i convinced myself to perk up when i got really great stuff from michaels to make some homemade xmas gifts. then i found some really nice stuff on clearance and added to two gifts at kohls. i bought a coral pink dress with flamingos on it for crying out loud. and the corners of my mouth would not budge. melancholy weighed down my cheek muscles. i'm not being melodramatic, i'm just describing the innards.
i'm just saying.
i know she doesn't mean anything by it, or maybe she does and maybe i'm giving her too much credit and maybe she wants to gauge how depressed i am. but. she could just ask if she really wants to know.
my face is tired again and i'm going to start not making sense like the scribbles on your notebook during a class that's super snooze-worthy.
so i'll leave this here for you to mull over.
i am really excited for the homemade christmas gifts and how they'll come out. you just couldn't tell by the look on my face. my face says 'Charisma and Enthusiasm are out to lunch. Check back later.'
As if to entice some flame, my mother says something like, that I'm faking my interest in football and that I don't really like it. Thanks ma. Super helpful. This was a most recent development. Picture this if you will.
Family friends who have moved to Ohio who are mostly all really into football, follow all the college teams religiously as well, are over after dinner watching the rest of the notre dame v usc game on tv in the kitchen. eyes peeled. absent-mindedly forking their unwanted ice cream cake during commercials and talking about commercial explanations, old tv shows and what they're doing with the seaside roller coaster. kim (the mom) is seated with her back to the tv--a clear declaration of how she feels about having to watch the rest of her family watch the possibly 6th or 7th game of the holiday week. across from her, with her back to me, is my mom. for most of dessert i didn't feel like sitting because i was stuffed, and it was more comfortable to stand, so i was watching over her shoulder. at some point, after cup of tea number 2 was poured for steph and kim, allison came back from the bathroom and sat at the table, between kim and mom, so i took her seat (stool number 2) at the counter, facing the tv, still out of sight of my mom. i watched notre dame maintain their lead. i made a comment in the conversation regarding the coaches trophy even though it wasn't something i was into. All the while this is going on, i'm convinced that this game is interesting. they have a defensive player from hawaii i think, whose girl friend had died from leukemia. two people my sister knows are going there for school. for all i care, i've invested my positive win the game energies into nd. i'm conscious of the numb, dormant feeling the whole time but i notice that i'm able to zone in to the game and the rest of the people in the kitchen disappear, as is what usually happens when i'm watching tv and i'm totally tuned in.
mom apparently didn't know i was watching the game and thought i was feigning interest and accused me of it while we were cleaning up after they went home. first of all, i was trying to feel the spark again, because i've lost the spark of interest in lots of things (sometimes eating, sometimes sleeping, sometimes maintaining the daily tasks) and i find it really upsetting. second of all, even if i was feigning my interest in football, wouldn't that be better than having to listen to the comments from my sister and father, who wouldn't bat an eyelash if the nfl ceased to exist? third of all, the last thing you want to do when someone seems off-kilter, after something upsetting happens, is to assume the reason(s) why they seem off-kilter.
pain in the ass.
i woke up this morning with tears streaming down my face because i had a dream that frank felt the need to put pete to sleep with a lawnmower and a gun. it was really gory. and as i lay out clothes on the drying rack in her bedroom she wants to know what's wrong. i convinced myself to perk up when i got really great stuff from michaels to make some homemade xmas gifts. then i found some really nice stuff on clearance and added to two gifts at kohls. i bought a coral pink dress with flamingos on it for crying out loud. and the corners of my mouth would not budge. melancholy weighed down my cheek muscles. i'm not being melodramatic, i'm just describing the innards.
i'm just saying.
i know she doesn't mean anything by it, or maybe she does and maybe i'm giving her too much credit and maybe she wants to gauge how depressed i am. but. she could just ask if she really wants to know.
my face is tired again and i'm going to start not making sense like the scribbles on your notebook during a class that's super snooze-worthy.
so i'll leave this here for you to mull over.
i am really excited for the homemade christmas gifts and how they'll come out. you just couldn't tell by the look on my face. my face says 'Charisma and Enthusiasm are out to lunch. Check back later.'
Saturday, November 24, 2012
[Mal]Adaptive Behavior
What's the difference between a computer that is hibernating and one that is sleeping? I'm trying to decide which mode my innards are switching to.
I've spent a lot of money the past 36 hrs, on myself and others, in true Black Friday fashion. On and off I thought about what was going to happen with Christmas this year, and then I thought about the decorations in the attic in Jackson. and I feel guilty that they probably won't be used because the manger was inherited from my grandmother and grandfather, and somehow I feel responsible to them to carry on the tradition. And then I think about Frank being alone for the holiday because he'll be on call or there will be a natural disaster that causes him to work twenty four hours a day, and he'll go home to Pete late, unable to even meet me out somewhere to talk..
It feels like misery and then it switches to frustration, and wanting to shake him. There are lots of nights when he falls asleep without texting me goodnight, but there are also nights that he does remember, and my brain of course chooses to forget the times that he is of sound mind enough to say goodnight, and tell me to text him tomorrow. I only remember the negative. It isn't helpful, because then that inaccurate thought gets carried away, like the bows on the kite tail. I've never actually seen those bows on a real kite, but whenever I've seen one illustrated, they're on there. Bonus if you can share what the bows are for.
I'm falling asleep. I'll have to continue this discussion of sleep vs. hibernate again sometime soon.
breathe deeply think of tired thoughts.
I've spent a lot of money the past 36 hrs, on myself and others, in true Black Friday fashion. On and off I thought about what was going to happen with Christmas this year, and then I thought about the decorations in the attic in Jackson. and I feel guilty that they probably won't be used because the manger was inherited from my grandmother and grandfather, and somehow I feel responsible to them to carry on the tradition. And then I think about Frank being alone for the holiday because he'll be on call or there will be a natural disaster that causes him to work twenty four hours a day, and he'll go home to Pete late, unable to even meet me out somewhere to talk..
It feels like misery and then it switches to frustration, and wanting to shake him. There are lots of nights when he falls asleep without texting me goodnight, but there are also nights that he does remember, and my brain of course chooses to forget the times that he is of sound mind enough to say goodnight, and tell me to text him tomorrow. I only remember the negative. It isn't helpful, because then that inaccurate thought gets carried away, like the bows on the kite tail. I've never actually seen those bows on a real kite, but whenever I've seen one illustrated, they're on there. Bonus if you can share what the bows are for.
I'm falling asleep. I'll have to continue this discussion of sleep vs. hibernate again sometime soon.
breathe deeply think of tired thoughts.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
[In]Decisions
My feet are itchy.
Do I feel like running because I've been practicing, or just because I want to run? Is it the power of suggestion?
I'm applying for my independence but won't that kind of independence render a once independent girl like me, more dependent? I can't do this on my own, can I?
Should I do it anyway? Whether I think I can or not? I've made big decisions before but none as big as this. It might leave me completely isolated. Can I stand being completely isolated?? I don't know. I'm not sure if I feel comfortable enough to run because I know I'd be coming home to people who would notice if I didn't come home, or if it's something that is now just worked into my comfort. Usually I use my decision making as a way of creating direction. I suppose most people do that. Fork in the road = Choice --> decision = direction.
What would I be communicating to others with this leap of independence? Would I implode waiting for the independence to occur? because naturally it's the sort of thing that takes 10 months at minimum. naturally. So it'll take approximately a year of dependence in varying degrees in order to obtain independence. Can I learn in that time what it takes to ::lightbulb::. Perhaps I can make it like school, and learn a different aspect of caring for this super-oriented independence during the course of this approximate year. Each month focus on a new focal point. Revisit my "you can do it" ms fix it book that I bought when I moved in to a house that had someone already accounting for the physical changes that needed to take place in the space. I knew all about the emotional changes that needed to take place. I had been training for that nonsense my whole life. Ever since the first princess story I comprehended. Boy was I misled. How do others cope with the come-down that occurs once they realize it was all a front?
Back to the lightbulb idea...what might the list look like? (switches to task list in google calendar and adds the "you can do it" ms fix it book to the list to pick up this coming weekend).
More to come.
Do I feel like running because I've been practicing, or just because I want to run? Is it the power of suggestion?
I'm applying for my independence but won't that kind of independence render a once independent girl like me, more dependent? I can't do this on my own, can I?
Should I do it anyway? Whether I think I can or not? I've made big decisions before but none as big as this. It might leave me completely isolated. Can I stand being completely isolated?? I don't know. I'm not sure if I feel comfortable enough to run because I know I'd be coming home to people who would notice if I didn't come home, or if it's something that is now just worked into my comfort. Usually I use my decision making as a way of creating direction. I suppose most people do that. Fork in the road = Choice --> decision = direction.
What would I be communicating to others with this leap of independence? Would I implode waiting for the independence to occur? because naturally it's the sort of thing that takes 10 months at minimum. naturally. So it'll take approximately a year of dependence in varying degrees in order to obtain independence. Can I learn in that time what it takes to ::lightbulb::. Perhaps I can make it like school, and learn a different aspect of caring for this super-oriented independence during the course of this approximate year. Each month focus on a new focal point. Revisit my "you can do it" ms fix it book that I bought when I moved in to a house that had someone already accounting for the physical changes that needed to take place in the space. I knew all about the emotional changes that needed to take place. I had been training for that nonsense my whole life. Ever since the first princess story I comprehended. Boy was I misled. How do others cope with the come-down that occurs once they realize it was all a front?
Back to the lightbulb idea...what might the list look like? (switches to task list in google calendar and adds the "you can do it" ms fix it book to the list to pick up this coming weekend).
More to come.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Desperately seeking directional whisps.
I think I might need to chronicle the discomforts of my prior living arrangement. Just to put things in perspective. I think it would be easier than the list of comforts as I am still lamenting their absence.
I can't make any promises though, because the thought that is sinking to the bottom of my stomach is mighty unpleasant. It's surrounding the idea that he doesn't mind that i'm not around. which, i mean, that's part of the reason why i'm not there but it bothers me that he doesn't call or text. which is inaccurate, because he will text and ask "You ok". It's awkward. No punctuation. I know what he's asking though. "Did you cry today? Because it makes me sad to think you cried so I hope you say you're ok.". But that's not what he says. He's a man of few words when it comes to feelings. Are all guys like that? According to Gerard Butler's character in the Ugly Truth, none of them are actually like that unless they've been emasculated by their wives or girlfriends. It's very heteronormative but that's a conversation for another day.
See Brave for the whisp reference.
- the people in the area
- the size of the house
- the woods surrounding it
- the construction
- the projects and bits and pieces of projects outside
- the size of the land needing attention
- lack of couple activity and overall togetherness
- lack of shared goals/dreams/values
- distance from family
- paying for things i didn't think we needed
- the feeling that i needed to defend his intentions/actions and lack of action
- putting off dreams of getting married
- doing most things alone
- feeling like a burden when i asked for something. or even just if i looked at him.
- competing with the projects and hobbies for attention i didn't feel like i got anyway.
I can't make any promises though, because the thought that is sinking to the bottom of my stomach is mighty unpleasant. It's surrounding the idea that he doesn't mind that i'm not around. which, i mean, that's part of the reason why i'm not there but it bothers me that he doesn't call or text. which is inaccurate, because he will text and ask "You ok". It's awkward. No punctuation. I know what he's asking though. "Did you cry today? Because it makes me sad to think you cried so I hope you say you're ok.". But that's not what he says. He's a man of few words when it comes to feelings. Are all guys like that? According to Gerard Butler's character in the Ugly Truth, none of them are actually like that unless they've been emasculated by their wives or girlfriends. It's very heteronormative but that's a conversation for another day.
See Brave for the whisp reference.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
There is no right way to heal
The opposite of there being no wrong way to eat a Reese's. Oh my. My mother just yelled from the basement about the football game being on.
So, the meaning behind my title today has to do with this guilty feeling that I have. I don't know what Frank is going to say about what he thinks we should do with the pieces of this relationship that have been fractured and left to fall to the floor, but I tried to tell from his tone of voice what direction it was going to go in and it didn't sound all that good. Which is devastating. However, I'm already looking at real estate. Elsewhere. And I don't mean proverbial "real estate" as in other guys, I mean housing. And my brain is switching to the things that I've been enduring about him for years instead of endearing. An individual should not have to endure the personality qualms of their loved one. My brain is like the pensieve, with swirling memories of what others have told me and certain memories I have with him, good and bad. And I do feel as though I'm preparing for a war. These are the cliff notes from tonight's talk:
-CVS accidentally filled a script for cholesterol medication instead of allergy medication so he was fuming about that, and it seemed he used it at one point to skirt around having to talk about what he has been thinking recently about our relationship
-he's not mad at me he's just mad about the pharmacy and their negligence.
-it's only been 3 days or so since we've been on the break and so he hasn't had that much time to think about what to do about our relationship
-he wants to go out drinking with will and dean friday night so he'll be leaving to go hunting in the morning on saturday, so it's fine if i just visit with pete during the day because he'll be home late saturday night because it's supposed to rain sunday.
-he's just really mad and he wants to calm down.
-he told pete to eat his food.
Soooo...what did we learn from this.
He's avoiding the issue. If he hadn't identified 5 times that he was "fuming" and "really pissed off" I would've called him out on it. But, i'll back off, and try not to think about it until tomorrow when I can hound him some more. I'm not hounding him though. I'm the type to want to know exactly what is going to happen in surgery so. That is kind of what I'm waiting for. The prognosis.
In other news, I can't think of anything else to write about right now, so I apologize but this is the majority of what you're going to get from me right now. Until something else happens. Like a new Tumblr account. With words of wisdom from yours truly and her "majestic" sister. Stay tuned.
So, the meaning behind my title today has to do with this guilty feeling that I have. I don't know what Frank is going to say about what he thinks we should do with the pieces of this relationship that have been fractured and left to fall to the floor, but I tried to tell from his tone of voice what direction it was going to go in and it didn't sound all that good. Which is devastating. However, I'm already looking at real estate. Elsewhere. And I don't mean proverbial "real estate" as in other guys, I mean housing. And my brain is switching to the things that I've been enduring about him for years instead of endearing. An individual should not have to endure the personality qualms of their loved one. My brain is like the pensieve, with swirling memories of what others have told me and certain memories I have with him, good and bad. And I do feel as though I'm preparing for a war. These are the cliff notes from tonight's talk:
-CVS accidentally filled a script for cholesterol medication instead of allergy medication so he was fuming about that, and it seemed he used it at one point to skirt around having to talk about what he has been thinking recently about our relationship
-he's not mad at me he's just mad about the pharmacy and their negligence.
-it's only been 3 days or so since we've been on the break and so he hasn't had that much time to think about what to do about our relationship
-he wants to go out drinking with will and dean friday night so he'll be leaving to go hunting in the morning on saturday, so it's fine if i just visit with pete during the day because he'll be home late saturday night because it's supposed to rain sunday.
-he's just really mad and he wants to calm down.
-he told pete to eat his food.
Soooo...what did we learn from this.
He's avoiding the issue. If he hadn't identified 5 times that he was "fuming" and "really pissed off" I would've called him out on it. But, i'll back off, and try not to think about it until tomorrow when I can hound him some more. I'm not hounding him though. I'm the type to want to know exactly what is going to happen in surgery so. That is kind of what I'm waiting for. The prognosis.
In other news, I can't think of anything else to write about right now, so I apologize but this is the majority of what you're going to get from me right now. Until something else happens. Like a new Tumblr account. With words of wisdom from yours truly and her "majestic" sister. Stay tuned.
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