[Mal]Adaptive Behavior II

So, what i was getting at last night but i didn't get to because i got too tired is that i've been dormant. I go into this default mode so that I get through my daily tasks but none of it is done with the pizzazz or the enthusiasm that I usually approach things with. The passion is dormant. My thrill and zest for life is like the embers on the log in the fireplace that aren't strong enough to cause the cooler log you just added to catch fire. So the embers turn from bright orange to faint orange to a sad, empty, cold gray that gives off a small, weak plume of smoke before completely disappearing and blending into the rest of the landscape of un-tinged wood.
As if to entice some flame, my mother says something like, that I'm faking my interest in football and that I don't really like it. Thanks ma. Super helpful. This was a most recent development. Picture this if you will.
Family friends who have moved to Ohio who are mostly all really into football, follow all the college teams religiously as well, are over after dinner watching the rest of the notre dame v usc game on tv in the kitchen. eyes peeled. absent-mindedly forking their unwanted ice cream cake during commercials and talking about commercial explanations, old tv shows and what they're doing with the seaside roller coaster. kim (the mom) is seated with her back to the tv--a clear declaration of how she feels about having to watch the rest of her family watch the possibly 6th or 7th game of the holiday week. across from her, with her back to me, is my mom. for most of dessert i didn't feel like sitting because i was stuffed, and it was more comfortable to stand, so i was watching over her shoulder. at some point, after cup of tea number 2 was poured for steph and kim, allison came back from the bathroom and sat at the table, between kim and mom, so i took her seat (stool number 2) at the counter, facing the tv, still out of sight of my mom. i watched notre dame maintain their lead. i made a comment in the conversation regarding the coaches trophy even though it wasn't something i was into. All the while this is going on, i'm convinced that this game is interesting. they have a defensive player from hawaii i think, whose girl friend had died from leukemia. two people my sister knows are going there for school. for all i care, i've invested my positive win the game energies into nd. i'm conscious of the numb, dormant feeling the whole time but i notice that i'm able to zone in to the game and the rest of the people in the kitchen disappear, as is what usually happens when i'm watching tv and i'm totally tuned in.
mom apparently didn't know i was watching the game and thought i was feigning interest and accused me of it while we were cleaning up after they went home. first of all, i was trying to feel the spark again, because i've lost the spark of interest in lots of things (sometimes eating, sometimes sleeping, sometimes maintaining the daily tasks) and i find it really upsetting. second of all, even if i was feigning my interest in football, wouldn't that be better than having to listen to the comments from my sister and father, who wouldn't bat an eyelash if the nfl ceased to exist? third of all, the last thing you want to do when someone seems off-kilter, after something upsetting happens, is to assume the reason(s) why they seem off-kilter.
pain in the ass.
i woke up this morning with tears streaming down my face because i had a dream that frank felt the need to put pete to sleep with a lawnmower and a gun. it was really gory. and as i lay out clothes on the drying rack in her bedroom she wants to know what's wrong. i convinced myself to perk up when i got really great stuff from michaels to make some homemade xmas gifts. then i found some really nice stuff on clearance and added to two gifts at kohls. i bought a coral pink dress with flamingos on it for crying out loud. and the corners of my mouth would not budge. melancholy weighed down my cheek muscles. i'm not being melodramatic, i'm just describing the innards.
i'm just saying.
i know she doesn't mean anything by it, or maybe she does and maybe i'm giving her too much credit and maybe she wants to gauge how depressed i am. but. she could just ask if she really wants to know.
my face is tired again and i'm going to start not making sense like the scribbles on your notebook during a class that's super snooze-worthy.
so i'll leave this here for you to mull over.
i am really excited for the homemade christmas gifts and how they'll come out. you just couldn't tell by the look on my face. my face says 'Charisma and Enthusiasm are out to lunch. Check back later.'

[Mal]Adaptive Behavior

What's the difference between a computer that is hibernating and one that is sleeping?  I'm trying to decide which mode my innards are switching to.
I've spent a lot of money the past 36 hrs, on myself and others, in true Black Friday fashion. On and off I thought about what was going to happen with Christmas this year, and then I thought about the decorations in the attic in Jackson. and I feel guilty that they probably won't be used because the manger was inherited from my grandmother and grandfather, and somehow I feel responsible to them to carry on the tradition. And then I think about Frank being alone for the holiday because he'll be on call or there will be a natural disaster that causes him to work twenty four hours a day, and he'll go home to Pete late, unable to even meet me out somewhere to talk..
It feels like misery and then it switches to frustration, and wanting to shake him. There are lots of nights when he falls asleep without texting me goodnight, but there are also nights that he does remember, and my brain of course chooses to forget the times that he is of sound mind enough to say goodnight, and tell me to text him tomorrow. I only remember the negative. It isn't helpful, because then that inaccurate thought gets carried away, like the bows on the kite tail. I've never actually seen those bows on a real kite, but whenever I've seen one illustrated, they're on there. Bonus if you can share what the bows are for.
I'm falling asleep. I'll have to continue this discussion of sleep vs. hibernate again sometime soon.
breathe deeply   think of tired thoughts.