Departure Components

In case any of you ever wondered if it was easier to separate if you're not married, just living together, I'm going to illustrate some of the separation details for you. Juuust in case you were wondering. Because personally I think the movies make it look easy. How many minutes does the protagonist cry? Probably about 5. Let me see if I can google it...no, google, you've made this one too difficult for my current attention span. I'd say if we actually timed it, the average on-screen cry would be about 2.5 minutes. Maybe. And that's if they're cry-talking with their bff, you know what I mean? You know what I mean.
The short list of things I can think of right now:
shared pets
split bills or memberships (sams club, cell phone, cable/internet, netflix)
acquired furniture
books
music
anything you went halfies on: the bed, the food, the boat, a car, a bathroom remodel, storage, dishes, rugs, etc.
vacation money
friends
year-round plants/trees/shrubbery that you planted together
okay i'm fighting tears now. or maybe it's my sinus infection symptoms...nope i'm crying. Time to take a break. Can't choke on my leftover pizza.

Bask in the comfort of an impartial third party.

So Leo, the medical records guy at work, mentioned that Frank was home, and he asked if I was happy and I was honest about it being mixed emotions because of what's going on and he closed the door and said "you could tell me to eff off you know" and i looked at him like seriously? and i said "do i tell anyone to eff off?". So I told him the gist with some detail. And it felt safe and i looked away whenever I felt my voice start to quiver and I got through it without crying. The setting was helpful too I mean, the lunchroom, with a thin wall on the side we were standing so the dual office could probably hear us. So I had to play matter of fact. He feels bad and hopes it works out in my favor, whatever that is.
Nice, safe. Impartial third party. The people close to me are too...in it.
Anyway, I overheard a pt call me stupid under her breath and it was almost as devastating. I'm exaggerating. My program will be small and to tell you the truth, I can't wait. I'm so behind on paperwork, it's super embarrassing. I just want a break.
I found a nice hiding place. The spot in the center console of frank's boat is mosquito free and it's just the perfect nook for me. It's fabulous. It will be the head some day but that day is not today or probably this season, so awesome! I love nooks. As in, nookish places. Not the electronic device.
We're doing a minimalist dinner of seared scallops and raw broc with light bleu cheese dipping dressing. My throat is bothering me but my stomach says feed me so I need to compromise.
It's late. I'm tired. Almost there tho. Saturday is within reach, I can smell the blueberry waffles.
goodnight my dears.

That 'puffer fish' look is not becoming on you.

I need to keep from getting upset tonight for several reasons. The top one has two parts: I have to go to my training session tomorrow and I need to be ready for it. Other reasons include not wanting to look desperate and/or pathetic and/or pitiful. Not wanting Pete to see me upset (they say that's bad for displaying dominance on the totem pole, to not show any extreme emotions in front of pets because depending on the emotion it can be detrimental to how your pet views you so basically what they're saying is the pets are judging you, let's be honest). I am having difficult because I don't know how to sign Dean's get well soon card, and Frank got his bow hunting license for the season that opens the 8th of Sept I think, which means that he is going about his business and not experiencing anything life-disrupting here. And part of the reason why that is upsetting is because it seems that he isn't affected in the same way I am and the other part of the reason is that I don't really have an equivalent of that hobby.
I developed a grunge thing in my throat during the course of the day. I hope it's not an unpleasant condition. Do you believe those old stories about people (usually women) just wasting away because a relationship ends? I could see myself falling into that trap...anyway I have this throat grunge that makes me just want to wrap up my head in scarves and hoods and my body in blankets. It's not a good feeling.
All of the "I should've'"s are coming at me full force. It's no use tho. Really? You should've dyed your hair red? Git real.
A song came on pandora.  http://youtu.be/Q4hYT-mYzI4
It's really sad. It features the world spinning without me and an empty space in my bed.
I think maybe I shouldn't think about finding another place to live until I definitely know I have to because I've noticed that I'm most upset when I try thinking logically on the way home from work and then when I get home I'm more upset because the reality of what I had been thinking about hits me and I have to visualize moving all of these things that are mine away from their current resting places.
I must say though, if you familiarize yourself with the stages of grief (according to Kubler-Ross) and take a step back and identify which stage you are displaying it helps you keep some emotional distance from the overwhelming physical symptoms that can unpleasantly intensify your grief. And remember always, the stages are not linear, so at any time you could experience any one of them, or multiple stages at the same time. For reviewing purposes, they include anger, bargaining, depression, denial, and acceptance. If you're anal and you like things in order (even though I just said they are not linear) the typical "order" if you must give assign it, is denial, anger, bargaining,  depression and acceptance.
I need to get some things done. Like put the rest of the groceries away. I should do my nails too, but I can't seem to find my base coat and no chip top coat...If you borrowed them can you please give them back?
Amen to pumpkin coffee.

Picture this if you will...

So, picture a heart in your mind, the way you picture most hearts. (Some people insist on being anatomically accurate, that's your prerogative.) Now picture it floating like an iceberg, where some of it is below the surface, and some of it is above. And it's chillin, literally, in a lonely part of the arctic ocean. The cold above the surface is a dry kind of bitter cold, it makes the surface of this heart iceberg brittle, and chip apart, and small bits and big chunks fall off into the deep. Some chunks stay close to the main part of the iceberg but some float away, never to be seen or heard from again. Slowly, more of the heart iceberg is below the surface. It's safer down there anyway. The icy water has a numbing affect.

Today I threw the potato away. The special one that sprouted last year that I didn't have the heart (or courage) to throw away because it was practically a member of the family. I almost named it. I probably did and just forgot the name. Yesterday I weeded the yard. For probably 6 hrs. Tomorrow, who knows. I might put all of my shoes in the closet. They're kind of loud anyway, they make statements much too often and some of them are louder than others. This slow process of silently making yourself smaller. There's zuccini in my soup. Luckily it's so mushy I can't really tell by taste. Why is it that the 'lighter' soups have to be infused with more black pepper? It just seems unfair. Why can't the light soup be proportionately lighter on taste?
Why is the sky blue? Oh wait I know that one. It's the light shining through small water particles.
Why do I get in trouble with my sister when all I did was answer her question? AHA! bet you can't answer that. I know I can't.

I don't know what to do. I do know what to do, but I don't know for how long i'll be doing it. My Matt Costa station on pandora is fabulous btw. I'm listening to it and it's nice, really. Anyway, until something seriously fracturing happens, I'll update the world on the small changes I make. Maybe I'll rediscover some big part of me under the surface that I locate because I'm making other parts disappear. Like my shoes. Maybe my shoes are drowning out my voice with their loud statements. Who knows. Anyway, poor mister potato plus two sprouts is in the garbage. Outside. He'll be what do they call it...repurposed. Like a heart iceberg. Or a failing relationship. Ooh how poetic if the heart iceberg sinks the relation-ship because of what's hidden under the surface.

Grasping at Straws

::sigh::.
I got a lot done yesterday from my extensive list. I think at this point though, after only getting one additional item done from yesterday, I will spend the remainder of the day doing lounge-about things like watching the rest of the movie 50/50 and eating and drinking my organic cider and reading my books and glancing over my magazines. I'm reading this one book, and it talks about the need to perform a "mental floss" to get rid of nonsense that stresses me out but isn't really big picture at all. I tell my patients to do something like that and what is listed in the first chapter all the time but I think i'm being a hipocrit because I don't do any of those things. I think I'm somewhat hastily assuming that they have more time in their daily lives because they don't have the responsibilities that I do. Is that unfair? That's unfair of me isn't it. I thought it might be. Because they don't realize that they have fewer responsibilities. I'm sure they feel their responsibilities are as proportionately difficult and challenging and overwhelming as I find mine. Anyway, the point is, I'm going to take my soup and my organic cider and go finish watching my movie. Because I don't chill enough and the world needs more natural chilling going on. None of the induced kind. I'll hit u up later.

Making the Preparations

I ordered myself a pizza with the understanding that I will also order a salad and I will be working on things around the house to prepare for the weekend I think I will have. This way I will be prepared for the weekend that followed the week that I was terribly unprepared for.
I don't want to think about all of the paperwork that I have to do for work. It gives me a knot in my stomach and I want to be able to eat my pizza and enjoy it. What's on the agenda for the night?
Take vitamins
Fill dishwasher
Run dishwasher
Empty dishwasher
Start laundry
Make shopping list that includes items for Sunday
Empty garbage cans and take garbage out because it smells like rotten watermelon...
Have you ever accidentally tried rotten watermelon? You might have purposefully tried it but that's just weird so i'm going to assume you might've accidentally tried it. It's gross. It leaves this horrendous rotten taste in your mouth that you might not have noticed after the first bite because your brain is trying to tell you it's delicious, but your mouth is like 'are you crazy? spit that out.'. Kind of like when your brain tells you to pick up something from the microwave or stove and your hands are like 'dude seriously? ouch? hello?'.
Plan outfit for tomorrow.
Plan elizabeth's outfit for tomorrow.
Needless to say, there was a delay in my brain realizing the watermelon was rotten and i had to run into the kitchen and spit it out. Because i'm a fatty when it comes to eating in front of the tv and i eat in front of the tv. that's in my bedroom.
Open the window in the bedroom to let cool air in while air cond is off.
Listen for pizza guy and hope he didn't get lost...
Share pizza crust w/ Pete bc he was a good boy and ate his breakfast when you got home from work.
hey, better late than never. don't judge.
STRETCH!!
my trainer always tells me to stretch and i say/think 'okay yes! stretching is good! flexibility is a weak point! i will remember!' and then i don't. i don't remember and i don't stretch except for that kitty cat stretch i do when i wake up in the morning as a way of asking the morning to kiss my ass.
Everyone should do that stretch. I'll make you feel less resentful of the morning sun that accompanies the morning, if that's an issue. Or your phone alarm. Or your parent or significant other who wakes you up but seriously that's a qualm of mine--why can't you get your own ass out of bed? I don't care how resentful you are of the morning (or afternoon, depending), take responsibility for getting yourself out of bed. For crying out loud. I can't tell you how many patients i've had in group and they don't call out of program, their mom or dad calls them out of program because 'they're still sleeping'. Nonsense. This is a pillar of adulthood. Unless you're suffering from a condition that prohibits you from rousing yourself, learn how to get out of your own way. It can feel so empowering, really, i mean it. Develop your own waking ritual. And then offer yourself a pat on the back for a job well done. Every small step should be recognized. Even if your mom or dad or significant other (or the morning sun) is thinking 'took you long enough'.
With that, i'll leave you to your thoughts and mine. Perhaps i'll make this a regular thing again. I don't know, i can't predict the future, but i'll give it a go once again.
Wish me luck and good night :).

So much for that.

So, good intentions were initiated. Spending was limited. My discover bill is still not paid off completely. I'm certainly not drowning but. My plan failed. I'm going to get itchy to start purchasing Christmas presents. Perhaps I should buy one thing per person and make something else per person. Like a craft or a baked good. There is probably at least a hundred crafts per appropriately matched person. That's a good plan. Also in the new plan is to make a list of the items I would be willing to compromise on with regard to my relationship with frank and this godforsaken project house. It should have a name it's such a monumental buttsore. I'm having sort of a relationship crisis, and it's making everything else seem very far away when i'm home. Very numbing in a super unproductive way. Emotionally numbing though. Physically, i have indigestion. It is not causing emotional indigestion, just physical indigestion. It's distracting in that ADD way where you're doing something (driving, typing, talking, etc.) and simultaneously some random thought that was obviously lurking subconsciously floats to the surface and that glazed look clouds over my face. I probably look catatonic for a moment. It's not pretty. And I know i'm stuffing it down (which explains the indigestion) because (for example) i went to put olive oil on my tomatoes and i forgot to thank frank for filling the oil caraf because it's such a hated chore and i appreciate him doing it, and i texted him because he's in florida, to thank him and it almost turned me into a blubbering idiot. it's like crossing the line into oncoming traffic for an avid driving-texter. Close call. whew. dry eyes. I walked into group this morning and the most dazed out patient of mine noticed i looked tired. No bueno. He texted me a picture of the sunset. I can't see it because from my kitchen window all i see are treetops with some vague sunset color sinking below them. Certainly not the horizon. It was thoughtful of him. He's still working right now and it's ten to eight. And he was at work at 5 this morning, so it's a long day, and he thought of me to text the picture.
I don't know what to do. So I avoid shopping and i instead add pictures to pinterest.
Listen to my Matt Costa station on pandora. If you're in a chill mood. I have to go eat dinner and watch something mind-numbing on tv.
Tomorrow is another day.