recipe for disasta

so i've been putting some of the pieces together. and it was making sense in my head while i was making my bed. but i went to brush my teeth and traveled into the kitchen to type it down in my blog, and i've already forgotten my main points. my mother would tell me it's because i'm not brushing my teeth in the bathroom where i belong so let me retrace some steps and see what strikes me...
While you wait, please feel free to look up 'helden' by apocalyptica. they did it with rammstein. pretty awesome.
back to the program. bones said something interesting on Bones the other night about one's perception of time. it was in the context of booth not regretting his father's death and the lack of time he spent with his dad due to the lack of time his dad spent with him. and at the end of the show, his grandfather had given him an old box with tickets to a baseball game, and it was booth's fondest memory of him and his dad, and bones was talking about how all those years without his father could feel less than they were because it can feel like the baseball game happened yesterday. basically, we assign our own meaning to time lapses etc. Anyway i don't remember the specifics but what i'm getting at is i've found myself caught up in this race against myself, and i'm desperately trying to be "done" with things before an uncertain date or else. but i've realized 'what else what??'. what's my consequence for not hurrying along with getting things done on the house? it makes sense to be totally stressed out of my mind about paperwork at work because i literally have until the end of the month (which is really 12/28 because i'm off 12/29) to finish all of my back-logged paperwork, and naturally i feel guilty (this is the confounding variable. it confounds.) about not being "done" yet. And at home. Things don't get "done" and I feel guilty and then the panic sets in and i'm racing again. it's a nasty vicious cycle. it's one thing to feel a sense of urgency with getting things done. it's another to feel guilty on a minute-to-minute basis. it's really unhealthy and i think it's weighing on me very heavily, because it's at my core, and then that confounding variable is compounded with the list of things that I don't end up fitting into my time on an often-enough basis. the short list: scrabble with grammy, visiting friends, visiting the 'rents and sis, helping frank with his projects that are technically my projects too (because i walk across the ungrouted floor and i'd end up shoveling the large driveway rather than his wheel horse plowing it when it snows). Organizing my life. I don't even have my process down for cleaning the house! All those years cleaning grammy's and i wish that's the house i was cleaning because, well, it's a lot less dirty w/o a male presence, but also because i have the process down. i was thinking i need to set myself up the way i do when i plan to go to the gym, because gym = success, house cleaning = failure.
it's all too much but that's where i'm at right this particular point in time. i need to change the rammstein because it's time for bed. perhaps some grace potter and the nocturnals.
good night all. sweet dreams of completed goals and strike-through'ed to-do lists.