My face is soggy.

I stopped at Kohls on my way home and picked up some items for Christmas. I was driving down one of the roads and saw holiday lights on houses already and promptly started crying. It's scary enough crying while you're driving in daylight but when it's dark out and humid and foggy it's really not good at all. Seeing those lights made me think of all the verbal and nonverbal hopes and dreams and promises I had made to myself when I decided to move out, and I ended up in over my head and neglecting them in overwhelming amounts. And it's upsetting on so many levels. I let it happen first of all. I dissociated temporarily and forgot that this was supposed to be my house too, and who really can stand in front of the proverbial and literal wrecking ball, but I could've tried harder, I suppose. Second, I get this hopeless feeling that I'm incapable and that's not fun. I want to be capable of everything which I know is unreasonable but nevertheless it's an automatic thought that I have and it's really difficult to fight, no matter how much I question its validity. And I keep accumulating things as a way to mark my territory? or something? Fill the void that isn't a physical void to fill? The physical void is full actually, it's called a closet and it's full. The void is emotional and no amount of "stuff" will fill an emotional void. I need to figure out how to fill the emotional void with um. whatever it is that people fill emotional voids with in appropriate ways. Finding satisfaction? Gratitude? Christmas is tricky because I can trick my emotional void into feeling like it's being satiated with items for other people. I wrap it and give it away and it's opened and then the good feeling ends. I think I'm good until the days after Christmas. The ultimate letdown every year. And it isn't because i'm lacking nice items that i've received, certainly not. I'm always thankful for what I receive. It's because I come out the other side still feeling the emotional void. Every year.
As my sister would say, 'no bueno'.
I'm bringing back the few things I purchased for myself. I would use them but I don't need them.
I'm tired and I don't feel like eating. I need to set out my clothes for tomorrow. The place in the mall didn't call me back and I'm wondering why. Ah, thoughts of rejection. We were just talking about this today in group. I'm trying to teach my pts how to speak and act on their behalf despite their fear of rejection. Some of my feedback centered on practicing what you feel like you're good at so that when you're in front of someone, a potential employer for example, you don't have to convince yourself that you can do it while you're trying to convince them that you can do it, because you're already convinced. What does this mean? It means that until I hear from this small retail store, I should continue putting together perfectly stellar outfits complete with accessories so that I'm not out of touch just because I haven't heard from them and didn't feel like putting in the effort. That's hogwash. Always watch what you're reinforcing for yourself. If you're telling yourself that it isn't worth it, whatever 'it' is, you're teaching yourself Indifference. Indifference is a difficult thing to break, sort of like Complacency. Dangerous things. Beware.
Thanks for listening. My face is less soggy now.