Clementines

Today was a tough day on the farm. My pts are really sick. There's one who lives vicariously through the victims on law and order svu because their 'bad guys' go to jail. And another who is addicted to marijuana. And another with alcoholic parents who are in denial. And another pt restricts her intake of food and treats each meal like it's a battle. And then there's the parents. The single moms. The overworked dads who don't know how to express their concerns for their kids. The siblings who have lost supportive contact because of blow-outs. Oy.
I wonder what I'll wear tomorrow. That's what distracts me. Just as long as I got proud digs on, I'm borderline awesome.
Think about it. What makes you feel like that?

Such High Expectations, So Little Time

Oh. My. Goodness. i heart radio is playing the warmth. woah mama.
You know you've had a productive christmas shopping trip when you come home and wash your hands and they hurt like rope burns.
Dinner is simple tonight. Salmon with various spices and lemon/lime juice, frozen veggies and leftover seafood pizza that was frozen from quite a while ago as an appetizer.
Jamie from work is asking if we can check in at some point this week so she can get the run down on how I've been running the program. I think she's going to be disappointed. I really have been working it by the skin of my teeth. Which is such an interesting phrase.
I really didn't get everything done that I wanted to this weekend. However, I got done a few necessities and some things for the long term goals. Speaking of long term goals. I've been thinking a lot recently about the things that I want to be able to accomplish. Ideas that I've had and daydreams I've lingered on. It's so nice to think about, envisioning yourself being able to do things that seem so far away right now. It's one of the things that I think about on my long drive home. Oooor, on my way to the gym in the morning. What are some of the things you daydream to be able to do? Not necessarily strengths, or abilities, but maybe importrant life events. Like getting married.  Or writing a book. Or learning to drive stick on your own classic car. Or driving cross-country to visit your cousin. Or going parasailing. Or going on a cruise to...alaska or the mediterranean. Or getting married.

Cucumbers and Tomatoes

My puppydog has adorable ears that display his mood. How would it be to display your mood on your ears rather than on your face?
I came up with ideas for group/program that sound fabulous in my head. I hope I remember them for next week. I'd publish it in this blog post but I want to write a book on running groups for young adults so I'll refrain.
I took a break to eat dinner and now I just feel like going to sleep. What's wrong with me?
I want to take the nail polish off my fingernails and toe nails and soak my feet and moisturize my hands and brush my teeth and go to sleep. Immediately. I have dishes I need to do though. Tomorrow's blog post will be better, I promise the both of us. You and I. I keep promising.

::insert epically sad tegan and sara song here::

so, magically, frank got me to cook for myself because i thought i was cooking for him. i'm eating alone but it's really a very complete meal. and it's all there because i thought he'd be sitting down to eat with me. isn't that ironic? i was planning on maybe making myself an omelet at most. not that there's anything wrong with that or that it would be incomplete somehow, but it turned into grilled chicken, steamed broccoli, diced cucumbers and tomatoes and a sweet potato. ::sigh::.
looking around, i think that things might not look so bad if i only hoarded magazines. but i also hoard houseplants and then insist on trying to rejuvenate them despite their obvious death. and other people's furniture. i hoard that too. and lamps. for some God-awful reason I have enough lamps to light three in each room most probably. it really is all too much. and mail. i have mail all over the place.
the problem with having all of those types of foods on one plate at the same time is that i eat the cucumbers and tomatoes first, and it doesn't matter if they wait to be eaten because they're already cold. i'll think about what to say next while i eat the food that should be eaten while warm...
i just absent-mindedly put a tissue in the front pocket of frank's hoodie that i'm wearing. he'll find it later because i will most probably forget to remove it. he hates finding tissues in his pockets after i've worn something of his. i kind of revel with glee in his disgust though, because not much disgusts this guy. it's kind of a rare treat. not that i gross him out with tissues on purpose but i suppose i do because i'm knowingly leaving my tissue in the front pocket of this hoodie.
my mom thought that i might have almost passed out this morning because i'm pregnant. i hope i'm not pregnant but what if i am? i'd tell grammy. ask her for guidance. i don't know if anyone else sees her as the matriarch but i like seeing her in that light. i like to think that she has more power and grace than she probably has. she used to waltz out of a dance late at night in highland park and walk across the river into new brunswick and all the way up to...the name of their street escapes me but i think it's brave, even for her day. (why are these days not her days too?...odd.) i hope i have brave stories for my grandchildren. i hope i live to see my grandchildren. i hope i have children. someday. not today. or soon. anyway, grammy. i like when she cares enough about something to want to see it happen, when she puts her foot down and says "no" (like, with her index finger pointing sort of downward due to arthritis) "i want so and so to do whatever". good for her when she does that.
i think that's enough rambling for one night. i'm pretty sure i started typing this half an hr ago. good night and happy early veteran's day.

My face is soggy.

I stopped at Kohls on my way home and picked up some items for Christmas. I was driving down one of the roads and saw holiday lights on houses already and promptly started crying. It's scary enough crying while you're driving in daylight but when it's dark out and humid and foggy it's really not good at all. Seeing those lights made me think of all the verbal and nonverbal hopes and dreams and promises I had made to myself when I decided to move out, and I ended up in over my head and neglecting them in overwhelming amounts. And it's upsetting on so many levels. I let it happen first of all. I dissociated temporarily and forgot that this was supposed to be my house too, and who really can stand in front of the proverbial and literal wrecking ball, but I could've tried harder, I suppose. Second, I get this hopeless feeling that I'm incapable and that's not fun. I want to be capable of everything which I know is unreasonable but nevertheless it's an automatic thought that I have and it's really difficult to fight, no matter how much I question its validity. And I keep accumulating things as a way to mark my territory? or something? Fill the void that isn't a physical void to fill? The physical void is full actually, it's called a closet and it's full. The void is emotional and no amount of "stuff" will fill an emotional void. I need to figure out how to fill the emotional void with um. whatever it is that people fill emotional voids with in appropriate ways. Finding satisfaction? Gratitude? Christmas is tricky because I can trick my emotional void into feeling like it's being satiated with items for other people. I wrap it and give it away and it's opened and then the good feeling ends. I think I'm good until the days after Christmas. The ultimate letdown every year. And it isn't because i'm lacking nice items that i've received, certainly not. I'm always thankful for what I receive. It's because I come out the other side still feeling the emotional void. Every year.
As my sister would say, 'no bueno'.
I'm bringing back the few things I purchased for myself. I would use them but I don't need them.
I'm tired and I don't feel like eating. I need to set out my clothes for tomorrow. The place in the mall didn't call me back and I'm wondering why. Ah, thoughts of rejection. We were just talking about this today in group. I'm trying to teach my pts how to speak and act on their behalf despite their fear of rejection. Some of my feedback centered on practicing what you feel like you're good at so that when you're in front of someone, a potential employer for example, you don't have to convince yourself that you can do it while you're trying to convince them that you can do it, because you're already convinced. What does this mean? It means that until I hear from this small retail store, I should continue putting together perfectly stellar outfits complete with accessories so that I'm not out of touch just because I haven't heard from them and didn't feel like putting in the effort. That's hogwash. Always watch what you're reinforcing for yourself. If you're telling yourself that it isn't worth it, whatever 'it' is, you're teaching yourself Indifference. Indifference is a difficult thing to break, sort of like Complacency. Dangerous things. Beware.
Thanks for listening. My face is less soggy now.

My First PAC Meeting

Evening. I'm eating chilly vegetables. They're chilly because I'm a slow eater. I think it improves my metabolism. Or maybe it gives me indigestion because i'm eating and doing lots of other things at the same time. Like writing back to Ann, or responding to Casey from Panera. The Panera by work gave me a complimentary bug floating in my iced green tea one day, remember that story? Anyway they promise a coupon for a free something-or-other but you can bet your butt I'm not redeeming it at the same one. Ann had a baby. Women have babies every day, but something is hitting home about Ann having a baby. I'm not ready to have a baby. How can I convincingly say to my baby that he or she is perfect and to not listen to what mean people say to them if I'm not convinced of that myself? Oi too much thinking.
Today I went to a PAC meeting which stands for something but I can't remember what. Anyway it's a joining of the minds with regard to services for those in need in a various county. Today it was Somerset county. It was SUPER interesting. The VA in Lyons is increasing its supportive housing services and is adding more beds, which is exciting because vets need services too. I got to speak with someone who has a full time job and is in recovery. She shared her story about moving out to Cali and what happened. Really really neat stuff. I felt privileged. And the pumpkin coffee at DnD is pretty darn good.
Tomorrow I'm doing my nails with my sister after work. A little girl time. Should be fun. Now, for some dirty pots'n'pans. And a Kandykake with dark chocolate. mmmmm.
Nite All.

Sisters and Brothers

It's been a busy week. Here are the highlights:
I had hives since Sunday so severe by Thursday that my mom showed a picture of them to a lady friend of hers who works in an allergist's office and the lady got me an appt that day. My bright orange lillies that i had purchased at Shoprite opened quite nicely, and there's still one that needs to open. I've officially kicked off Christmas present identifying and obtaining. That's exciting. I have a notebook and many magazines and catalogs open for ideas. I applied for a job and went on an interview Friday after work. I think it might allow for an outlet and means to exercise my fashion creativity while not breaking my bank but adding to it instead. No, I don't think I'll list on here where it is. I confirmed the fact that I don't like viewings, memorials, wakes, or funerals or anything of the sort. Especially the religious portion where the priest adds in his own opinion of what's wrong with the world these days. It's tiresome. Which leads me to the topic of todays post...
Other people's opinions are usually very important to me--Too important to me most days. The more important the person, the more important the opinion. Like Petey. He's crying right now and it probably has nothing to do with me but on the off chance that it does, I immediately feel like I've done something wrong. Or like my sister. I was just on the phone with her for an hour and forty three minutes. Probably our longest conversation in a while. Especially on the phone. And wouldn't you know, we talked about all kinds of things, and during the conversation I was thinking to myself are we really talking about this right now? but it was where the conversation went so i went there. Turns out we have more in common ethically speaking than it might seem like we do. Except for the fact that apparently, I have less patience than she does when it comes to not taking things personally. Or do i. Does the amount of patience have something to do with how removed someone is from the situation? I think there might be a positive relationship between how much patience someone has and how much geographic/emotional distance someone has from the situation. Whatever that might be. It's just an idea.
Sometimes it feels like no matter what I say, she'd say something opposite. I don't think she consciously does it, but sometimes it feels like no matter what I say, she thinks I'm wrong. And the rejection somehow feels so much worse than if it was coming from someone whose opinion doesn't matter. However, I don't think someone like that exists...
So I suppose what I'm saying is, how do I do something without caring what someone else thinks? Without being fearful of offending someone or bringing on a rant or a tirade from a party who strongly disagrees with my actions? Perhaps it will be my reflection for the week. Also I'm considering paying the local catholic church a visit. Thoughts?